When Friends Break Up

Day 11 of 95

When I was in high-school I was sort of a loner. I knew lots of people, but only had a handful of friends. I think most people are probably this way, even those that would seem "popular" by any outward standard.

I don't remember the exact grade but I do remember what happened. My best friend broke up with me because I was so insecure. I remember that she'd been avoiding me, nothing big, just high school stuff. She didn't respond to my notes (no email or text in those days) she said she'd call but didn't, she said that she was grounded, but then I found out she went to a party with another friend. I finally got brave and asked what was up. I asked for her honesty and to her credit, she gave it to me.

She told me that my constant insecurity and neediness were wearing her out and she couldn't take my depression any longer. I made her tired. She was tired of telling me I was funny, or pretty, or not fat. Most of all though, she was tired of constantly assuring me that we were actually friends. She liked me. She liked me a lot, so she couldn't understand my fear of her changing her mind.

I find it funny (not funny "ha ha") that my fear of losing a friend is exactly what chased my friend away.

I see this behavior in myself - even now - after losing a few friends to my insecurity. It's a vicious circle. I avoid making friends because of my insecurities,  and then when I make one, I drive them off with those same insecurities.

I see this behavior in others and I'm baffled at why they can't just accept my friendship at face value. See the irony? I understand why I don't feel worthy of someone's friendship, but for the life of me, I can't understand why they don't feel worthy of mine.

I'm working on it though. I know there are many people that feel exactly like I do. I know this because as a good friend pointed out, if you can find lyrics to a song that tell exactly how you feel - someone else feels that way too, after all, they wrote a song about it!

I guess today's point is that if you're my friend, I love you, and it doesn't matter what you look like or what you're weight is. It doesn't matter that you're probably taller than me and you might be funnier than me (might). You might be smarter or prettier or any number of things "better" than I am, but none of that makes me like you less, it's probably why I liked you in the first place. If I'm driving you nuts with my insecurity, just realize that the more insecure I am about our friendship the more I like you…so you should be flattered (?)

OK, I've got issues…well, maybe I've a subscription!

Bear with me, if nothing else, when I start publishing my novels you can say you knew me when I was just an insecure crazy person. Broke but funny.