I'm a different kind of person

I'm a different kind of person.

I noticed it in Kindergarten. At the tender age of 5, I knew I was not like the other kids. And the other kids knew it too. I remember the first day of school like it was yesterday, although, at the time I don't think I realized its significance. 

The school was very close to my home, two blocks away and visible from the front porch. I was a "walker" and so were most of the children that would be sharing the three or four hours each weekday afternoon with.

That first day I was very excited, I had already met my teacher at the "are you ready to attend Kindergarten" meeting the week before. That's where you go to the school and people ask questions like "Do you know the alphabet?" "How high can you count?" back then (1976) the only real requirement, was that you could tie your shoes. Somehow, shoe tying ability equated to elementary school readiness. 

I entered the room, my mom left. I was never one of those clingy kids. My parents joked that I kept an overnight bag packed 24-7, just in case I was invited to a sleepover. The room was a normal 1970's classroom. Toys, art supplies, half inch foam mats for nap time, books, and my favorite; The Letter People. If you don't know them, you've missed out. The Letter People had their own show on PBS, they were all shaped like a letter and looked like their sound (like Mr. T and his Tall Tall Teeth)...you can check them out on YouTube,  I'm sure.

Anyway, the room was already filled with kids, everyone paired up and looking the toys and games. Finding new friends and establishing the cliques that would carry us through graduation.

There are a few things that stand out from that day. I was not late to class, but I was one of the last to arrive. I didn't know anyone in my class, but everyone there seemed to have already been friends for years. Have you ever been invited to a party and you didn't want to go because you didn't know anyone, but your friend says "don't worry, I'll be there, and no one else knows each other either - this is a getting to know you kind of deal. It'll be fun" but then your friend somehow doesn't show up and you're stuck at this party alone. Then you realize that everyone attending does know each other, and not only that but they've been friends for a while. There's just no room to add an additional friend. Sorry, maybe someone else will talk to you.

You may not have had that exact experience, but I bet you've felt something similar. Maybe the first staff meeting you attended in a new job or position, the other people have been working together for a while and you don't quite fit in just yet.

Maybe you've changed schools and experienced being the new kid for a while.

Kindergarten was like that, but I couldn't understand how on the first day of school - literally the first day of our school careers - everyone already knew where they belonged.

I remember sitting in my locker on that first day...our lockers were open wooden closets with coat  hooks and I was pretty tiny back then. I couldn't find anyone that would let me into their newly formed group, so I left.

The teacher found me later and did what all well-meaning adults do in those situations. She brought me back into the classroom and forced the other kids play with me. 

I still feel like that lost five-year-old. I still feel like that kid your parents made you play with. I simply don't belong. 

I have a theory about this though. Most Christian communities believe (and Scripture supports) that we are set apart. People that are called by God to do His work are "set apart." This means that those God has called are different from the rest of the world. I'm one of those people. I'm sure of it. We are supposed to live differently. If you've been to church -ever - you've probably heard "in the world but not OF the world." Simply put, this means while we have to live with an interact with worldly things and people, we are not supposed to put that stuff first. We are supposed to be above all of that, we are not supposed to want what the world says we should want. We are supposed to live for God and for furthering the Kingdom of God. I love that. It's wonderful in theory and the rewards promised are glorious. But tell that to a new Kindergartner that has just caught her first glimpse of what the next 13 years would look like. Tell that to the little girl crying in her locker because she just realized that no one is ever going to be her friend unless they're forced. Being set apart can look a lot like not fitting in.

As an adult, I still don't fit in. I don’t fit in at work, I'm just not the corporate type. I don't fit at church, which is odd because that is the one place you'd think I'd have it made. I don't fit in with other adults and I don't fit in with the kids. 

Now, don't feel sorry for me. I have a handful of amazing friends that I wouldn't trade for all of the "fitting-in" in the world. I have a loving, wonderful, perfect-for-me husband that treats me like a princess and our son is nothing less that a perfect gift from a loving God. I have an amazing life. I have rewards waiting for me in eternity. Blessings from the creator of everything that ever was or ever will be.

God knows my name, called me to join him and set me apart for His own purpose. He knew I'd answer His call. And He knew it would be hard for me, but He also knew that if it wasn't hard for me, I wouldn't know that I needed Him.

If I had walked into that classroom the the fall of 1976, been instantly greeted by the three girls that I so badly wanted to play with, if I had been accepted into that little group, if I had become one of those cheerleaders, popular girls, skinny girls, those girls that ran the school, one of those girls that fit in, if I had become part of the World, I may never have cried out and sought comfort. I may have missed out on what God had been planning for me all along. 

Sometimes it's lonely, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else. But the real truth is that I'm glad I don't fit in. I'm glad that I'm different. I'm glad that God called me and set me apart to do His work.

The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.

John 15:19  NLT