She Never Speaks

An experimental fiction

 She never speaks. Poor thing. She won’t give you any trouble at all. Just check on her at least once an hour and make sure she’s ok.

Is she retarded?

We don’t use that word here. It upsets the patients’ families. As far as we know, she has no mental deficiencies. But she’s traumatized and just won’t come out of it.

What happened to her?

Oh, that’s a story for another time. Let me show you the rest of the ward. You’ll have your hands full soon enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good they’re gone! I didn’t want them to see me talking to you. I got you some pudding from the lunch room. Do you want it? Come on it’s your favorite. At least I like to think it’s your favorite. It’s my favorite. Do you care if I eat it? I mean, I stole it and all and if you’re not going to eat it, I might as well.

What are you doing in there? I told you yesterday to leave that girl alone and if you don’t stop stealing pudding from the lunchroom we’re going to lock you in your room!

Bye! I’ll see you tomorrow – maybe vanilla then.

GO! Do I have to pick you up and carry you out of here?

Ah we’re alone. You know, you’re pretty. Or you would be if you weren’t stupid. I wonder what you think about all day while you stare out that window. Probably nothing. Just another retard waiting to die.

We need you downstairs. Mrs. Tate has fallen out of her wheelchair again and I need another person to help me lift her.

Poor lady, I’ll be right down. Until tonight my beauty. I’ve been waiting all month for this night. I’ll be the only one here. They finally trust me enough to leave me in charge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How are you feeling today? You look well. Nice color in your cheeks. I see you got a shower. You have such pretty hair. Do you mind if I brush it? My daughter used to love it when I brushed her hair. It wasn’t thick like yours, but it was just as pretty.
She liked for me to braid it. I never did a very good job I’m afraid, but it was fun just the same. I miss her so much. She just doesn’t have time to visit. I know she doesn’t like to bring the kids here either. They’re so young and they don’t really know what’s going on.
Maybe someday they’ll let me out, maybe I could take you with me. Would you like that? I could fix you a nice room right upstairs. I still have a house you know? It’s small, but it’s just me so I don’t need much. There would be plenty enough room for you too. Oh how I wish I knew if you understood. I won’t leave here without you.

Ms. Naomi, you needs to go back to your own room.

I’m not hurting anyone, I’m visiting with my friend here. Her hair was a rat’s nest from where someone washed it but didn’t brush it out. I’m just visiting.

Ma’am you needs to go back to your room. You knows we don’t allow no unsupervised visits with other patients.

Well. You stay with us then. I’m not doing anything wrong. Sit on the bed here until I get her hair untangled, then we can both go.

You know I don’t have time…oh alright, just a minute though. I’m on duty and if I get caught slacking I’ll hear about it all night.

Thank you. I’ll have my daughter bring you some cookies next time she’s up. I know how you love her little tea cookies.

Oh! Those are my favorites. I love them little cookies. When you think she commin’ again?

It’s hard to say. Maybe for Christmas. I know she’ll have some time off of work then.

How come you waste your time with this here gal? You know she don’t know one thing that’s goin’ on. She’s all locked up tight in that head of hers.

Oh I don’t know. I don’t have anything better to do and I think she knows we’re here. I think she likes the company.

Well, I don’t know about none of that but if I was her, I’d never talk either. I’da killed myself long before now.

You know her story?

Most of it anyway. I can’t tell you though on account of you bein’ a patient here. We ain’t allowed to talk about private information with anyone, especially not patients.

Well, that’s OK. I’d like to know what happened to her. But I don’t want you to get into trouble. Maybe someday she’ll be able to tell me herself.

Doubt it. She got hurt real bad. Seen some stuff no one should ever see. I hope she don’t never remember.

OK. Her hair’s pretty as a picture. Let’s go see if there’s any ice cream left.

Yep, I hope she don’t remember.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got you some ice cream. You don’t want it? Here, let me feed you. I’ve never seen you eat, but you have to eat right? I mean, otherwise you’d be dead. Here, just take a little bite. There! It’s good right? Want more? You just tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. You know, they say you’re retarded or something. But I can see in your eyes that you ain’t stupid. There’s a light. It got brighter with the ice cream. But it’s cold too…but I know, you know. I can tell.

You need to leave now. It’s time for her medication. You know you’re not supposed to take food out of the dining room. Were you feeding her? This is a patient, not your pet. Don’t let me catch you feeding her again. What if she’s allergic to something and you kill her? Did you think of that? Please go now. And no more food.

Fine, I’ll go back to my room but you people have to feed her. Maybe that’s why she can’t talk, she’s starving to death.

Goodnight.
Oh, hello Naomi. Come to say goodnight?

Yes, thank you nurse.
Goodnight sweetheart. I’ll come visit tomorrow. Maybe if it’s nice we can walk around the gardens?

I don’t know if they’ll let you take her out of the hospital. Why would you want to anyway? She don’t know what’s going on.

Well, she’s company anyway, and at least she doesn’t interrupt me! Ha ha. Goodnight nurse!

Goodnight Naomi. I’ll leave a message for the day nurse that you want to take her for a walk outside. We’ll see that she says.

Time for you meds kiddo. Let me help you into bed. Naomi made your hair really pretty.             
Just a little pinch. Sorry, I know it stings, but it’ll help you sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

…awake? It don’t matter anyhow. I don’t care if you’re awake or asleep, or hell, even dead. Don’t get any ideas pretty lady, you just lay here. Your skin is so soft. Must be what a baby feels like. So warm. You don’t even know your own name do you dummy? That’s ok. Here touch this. Hold it. HOLD IT YOU BITCH! Fine that’s not gonna work. Oh you are awake. Good, kiss me. mmm you don’t even put up a fight. Not much of a kisser though. That’s OK I can teach you. We’ll have plenty of time together now that I work nights.
You’re so soft, so soft, I love your hair. Am I squishing you? I don’t really care. You like that and you know it. It’d be nice if you’d move, but that’s ok, I just need you for a second. Just…one…more…second.

I guess I don’t have to tell you not to tell anyone about this because you’re so far gone you don’t even know what happened. But if you decide to open up, just know that I won’t think twice about cutting your pretty little head right off of your shoulders. I hope you understand. I have a wife and what would the kids think?
See you tomorrow night princess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you awake? I smell cologne. Are you ok? Your face is wet. You’ve been crying. Can I lay with you? I hate sleeping in my room. My roommate has night terrors and they won’t give her anything to make her go to sleep. She screams all night long and the shadows bother me because they want to go to sleep too. Don’t cry. Maybe they’ll let me change rooms and be your room mate. I wonder why you always get a room alone? You’d be a good roomie, you never make any noise and I could sleep all night for once. Wake me up before the nurse comes in. I’ll get shocked again if they find me in the wrong room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You must be a light sleeper. It’s not even dawn yet and here you sit, staring out the window. What’s so interesting out there anyway? Squirrels? I got a note that Naomi wanted to take you for a walk outside. The doctor won’t be here today, it’s Saturday you know, but he never said you couldn’t go walk around, so I guess you can go.
Would you even like that? Do you want to go outside? Maybe we’ll put you in a wheelchair so Naomi can just push you around. At least you’ll get some fresh air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breakfast was good. Did you eat dear? You need to eat. You look different today. Something has changed in your face. Let me get closer. I wish you’d just tell me what’s wrong. What happened to you, you poor thing!

You gonna kiss her?

OH! Nurse! You scared me. Ha ha, I wasn’t kissing her, I was trying to look into her eyes. She seems sad today.

She always seems sad to me. Never talking, just sitting and staring off into space. I don’t think she even knows she’s on the planet.

Oh, she knows. There’s a light in her eyes. Normally I can see it, but something’s wrong today. Maybe the fresh air will perk her up. Will you hold the elevator door for us? Do you think we need jackets?

No, it’s really nice outside. Make sure to come back in before lunch, the afternoon nurse won’t know where she’s gone to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s a lovely day dear. Let’s walk over by the pond. You know, I don’t mind pushing you in this wheelchair, but you can walk if you’d like. I can help you. No? OK. Well maybe later.

There are lots of fish in this pond. My husband used to fish all of the time before he got sick. We had a pond out back, but it’s been dried up for years now. I used to wonder where all the fish went when a pond went dry. I still don’t know. But I never saw any dead fish after the water was gone. It was just a big mud puddle for the longest time. One year I bought wild flower seeds and threw them all over the mud, now it’s the prettiest flower garden you ever saw. I hope you get to see it one day. I hope I get to see it again.

My daughter is coming to visit me in three weeks. She called this morning before breakfast. Funny, I was talking to your nurse just last night about asking my daughter to make her some tea cookies. She, my daughter not the nurse, said she’d be happy to make them. She’s bringing my grandbabies too. I can’t wait to see them. Do you remember them? Oh, I don’t think you were here the last time they visited. Let’s see. You came in March, I remember because the tulips were blooming and they were so pretty that year. That was what, two years ago? Three? I’ll have to ask someone.

Anyhow, I have two grandchildren, Jacob and Tyler; they are nine and ten respectively. They don’t even know me, I’ve been in this damn hospital for most of their lives. I’m not crazy you know? I’m not. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else, but I’m certainly not a danger to anyone. I’d never hurt anyone, or myself either. What happened was an accident. I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t my fault. I never meant to kill her. I want you to know that, even if no one else ever believes me, I want you to know that. I didn’t mean for her to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I brought you some more ice cream. Strawberry this time, I hope you like it. Here, take a bite. See? It’s good right? I had two bowls earlier, I wanted more but they wouldn’t let me have it. I had to wait until they weren’t looking to get yours. You ok? You seem different today. That’s funny ain’t it? You never talk or do anything but you seem different. Can I come back and sleep in your room again tonight? I won’t hog the covers I promise.

Are you in here again? You gotta quit feeding this girl. If you make her sick, I gotta clean it up. Look, I know we all feel sorry for her, but we feed her three meals a day. She gets enough food. Maybe if she wants something sweet bad enough, she’ll ask for it.

But she likes the ice cream, I put in her mouth and she seems happy. I ain’t hurtin her none. She’s just a girl and girls like ice cream. Just trying to bring her some happy.

Well, you need to stop, if you want to visit, that’s fine. But no more food. And when you visit, you need to have someone with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you enjoy the fresh air? That Naomi sure has taken a liking to you. That’s nice that you have a friend now. Tara likes you too but I’m afraid she’s gonna make you fat giving you all those sweets. She’s basically harmless though. Would you like to lie down? I could give you something to help you sleep. Maybe a nice nap before dinner? No? OK well, I’ll check on you a little later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s time for dinner. Do you want to eat in your room or would you like go to the dining room with your friends? You know, I think some company would do you good. Staring out the window all day can’t be good for your mind. Or your eyes for that matter. Probably better than staring at a computer screen though. Ok, have it your way, we’ll eat in here. Let’s see, you got peas n’ carrots, turkey and dressing, and it ain’t even Thanksgiving. The cooks must be feeling festive today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahh hello there my sweet thing. I know you’re awake. I know you’re waiting for me. I missed you today. I thought about you this afternoon when I was with my wife. She’s much prettier than you but she wants to do things her way. Sometimes I like to do things my way. I’m going to roll you over now. See, that’s nice. Not even a whimper. There’s a good girl.

I’ll be back tomorrow. Maybe later tonight if I can slip away. You keep your stupid mouth shut. Ha ha! What a joke. You are nothing. You know that right? Just a lump of meat. One kiss before I go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m back again. Why are you still awake? Something’s wrong with you, what is it. Your bed is wet. I’m going to turn on the light. Oh! That’s blood. Why are you bleeding? That’s blood. That’s blood. I don’t like blood. Stop bleeding stop stop stop I can’t sleep here stop bleeding!

What’s all the noise in here? Why are you in here? You are not allowed of your room after lights out. YOU KNOW THAT! I’m going to report you tomorrow so that you’ll get another shock. You like the shocks right? You have five seconds to get out of my sight!

And you! I don’t know what that idiot knows but she better not know nothing you hear me? I’m going to get you cleaned up and then you’re getting a shot. A double dose tonight bitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning Sunshine! Hey, how come you’re not out of bed yet? I’ve got your breakfast. Bacon and eggs today. Naomi asked to take you out again, it’s going to be a beautiful day today. I thought you two could eat lunch on the deck. I might just join you. Hey, sleepy head, it’s time to get up. You’re really out aren’t you? I’ll come back in an hour or so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You up yet kiddo? No? That’s not right. Are you getting sick? Well, you don’t look sick. No fever. Ah there’s some movement. Wanna get up now? I brought your breakfast again, I heated it up in the microwave so at least it’ll be warm for you. Come on now up we go. Why so groggy this morning huh? Did they give you your medicine too late? I’ll have to speak to the guy on nights. He seems like such a nice guy. Maybe he’s just having a hard time getting into the routine.
Here let’s eat and then we’ll get you dressed.
Oh, I see you’re spotting just a bit, I didn’t know you still, well, you know, still had those.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning. The nurse said she didn’t think you were feeling too hot this morning. You do look a little pale. Oh why can’t you just tell me? I want to help you, you just have to tell me how.

Hello nurse. Are you going to call the doctor in? I think our girl here is really sick. She has no color and her eyes are dull. She’s so lethargic.

I called that doctor just now. He wants me to draw some blood so they can test it. I guess maybe he thinks she’s got some virus. You can stay if you wants to.

Yes, I’ll stay. She seems so lonely. It just breaks my heart. Must be the mother in me.

I knows just what you mean. I cain’t help but be sorry for her m’self. They tells us not to pay no mind to the patients. Just do what you is supposed to do an move on, but I cain’t hardly do that. Y’all is people too. Just people with problems bigger than you can handle.

Have you seen Tara this morning? She wasn’t at breakfast and I didn’t see her in her room.

Now, I ain’t seen her, but I heard she’s upstairs. I reckon she took to a fit last night and it was all that great big ol’ man nurse could do to control her. He said she was sleepin’ in here with your friend. Oh, now, you knows I ain’t supposed to be tellin’ you all this!

I understand, I won’t repeat it. I was just worried. I don’t think Tara can take too many more shocks. It takes her longer to recover each time. Last time, that was, oh I don’t know for sure, maybe six months ago. It took her nearly two full weeks to get back to where she could walk right. I didn’t think she’d ever quit drooling though.

Don’t you worry yourself none about that now. The doctors know what they’re doing. When Tara takes a fit, she’s liable to hurt someone and we cain’t have that. We gots to shock her to get her to calm down some and be reasonable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well,  I don’t think you’re getting sick, so that’s good. It looks to me like the nurse that gave you your medicine last night forgot to write it on your chart and the overnight nurse thought you hadn’t gotten it yet. So, I guess the worst that happened was you got a really good night’s sleep. The effects should wear off soon and you’ll be back to normal in no time. They told me you’d started menstruating, there’s no sense being in pain when you don’t have to be. I’ve prescribed a pain killer and another pill that will help with any cramps, just let the nurse know if you want to take them.

Nurse, I want to speak to whomever was supposed to be taking care of this young lady last evening and on the overnight shift. They’re damn lucky she has no family and can’t talk. Do you have any idea how much trouble we can get into by over medicating a patient? With all these damn civil liberties nut jobs running around it’s wonder we’re ever still open.

Yes sir, I’ll let them know. The night guy don’t come in till after dinner tho, I can have him call you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello my sweet princess. Thank you for not telling them. I thought I was in trouble, but they just told me to be more careful with the medicines. I promised them that I would.

I think I just want to cuddle tonight. You’re so warm and soft. My wife’s feet are cold all of the time and it really bothers me. I’m sorry I had to have your crazy friend shocked. I’ve heard around the halls that they went a little too far and they don’t think she’s going to come out of it this time. They’ve moved her upstairs permanently, so I guess no more sweets for you.

Cuddling is so boring. Are you bored? How’s this? That feels nice right? See, I’m not so bad. A little romance, a little foreplay. And now it’s down to business. I know you like it or else you’d say something. Just say the word and I’ll stop. No? Good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh good you’re awake. I can’t believe the doctor said you weren’t sick. There’s something wrong with you and I want to know what it is. I overheard some nurses talking this morning. Tara’s not coming back. They fried her brain. It’s just awful. She didn’t deserve that. No one does. They stuck her in the room with Melba, she screams all night long. If a person wasn’t crazy to begin with, they certainly would be after spending a few nights with her.

I wanted to take you outside again. Would you like to go for a walk. They let me borrow this wheelchair again so I can push you around like last time. Here, let me help you up. Come on sweetie, let’s go get some fresh air. Up you go. Please? Just get into the chair. We can get lunch and take it out on the deck. It’s so pretty outside, the flowers are all in full bloom and you can smell the lilacs. They’re my favorite, they seem to fill the air, make it thick somehow.

There’s a girl. We’ll grab some lunch trays and have the nurse help us out to the deck with them. Today’s menu is Salisbury steak or fish sandwiches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How’s your steak dear? You haven’t eaten much. Oh nurse, would you bring us another knife? She’s dropped hers and it’s gone between the slats of the deck. I don’t know how they cook Salisbury steak to the point where you need a knife, but it’s as tough as shoe leather. And these flimsy plastic things aren’t worth the powder to blow them up.

Thank you dear.
After you finish eating, maybe we can walk around the pond again. I like to see the fish jump. It reminds me of happier times.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard Naomi got you to go outside again. You’ve even got a little color on you cheeks. Good for you. I brought you some dinner. Sorry but it’s the fish sandwiches that no one wanted at lunch time. I don’t know why they keep serving them, there isn’t one person in this whole building that likes fish sandwiches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, I’ll be back in just a little while to give your medicine, would you like the television on? No? Well, OK see you in about an hour.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helllloooooo? Are you awake? I’m gonna have to make this short. It’s a full moon tonight so everyone is just a bit crazier than normal. You’ve been so good to me. I’ll be off for a couple of days. I’ll miss you. My wife is making me take her and the kids to the lake. Maybe they’ll let me check you out and take you with us. That’d be a hoot! I think my wife might get into it once she sees how pretty you are. And it’s not even like you’re a real person. You’re like a very realistic doll. But so much better. Ah…yes…so…much…better!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m sorry. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I know

But, where were you?

I was here all along

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just don’t understand it. How could someone kill themselves with a plastic butter knife?

Welcome 2012 - I'm glad you're here!

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. 

At least I haven't in the last 30 or so years. I think they're silly and just another way to measure my failures. See, I start off with a bad attitude, so there's no way I can succeed anyway right?

This year, I'm going to start making them again. I don't like the way I live my life. 

Don't misread that; I love my life. I don't like how I live it.

I waste time.

I procrastinate.

I whine.

I complain.

I wish things were different, but don't take the steps to change.

This is all my fault - really it is - I live my life the nice, easy, lazy way. I don’t take on obligations that are outside of my comfort zone (read: that take effort on my part).

I don't make waves, I go with the flow, I drift along. 

And all the time I think, "I wish I would have _________." Fill in the blank with a million things.

-written my book

-not eaten that XXXXX

-changed my oil when I had time

-gone to the grocery rather than taking a nap

-washed dishes

-exercised when I got up an hour early

-gotten up an hour early

The list could go on for days, but the bottom line for every item I list is that I should just get up and do things.

Setting realistic goals is no problem for me. I set them all of the time, but the part I shy away from is accountability.

If I set a goal to lose 2 pounds a week, and don't tell anyone, who cares? I can eat, and be lazy, and never exercise, and no one's the wiser.

I don't like to tell people my goals for exactly that reason. I don’t want people to know that I've failed. Or worse yet, to call me out for not sticking to my plan.

Well, no more. 

I'm going to publish my "resolutions" for 2012.

Feel free to call me out and make me stick to the plan. Hold me accountable for the  stuff I mess up on, but remember, I'm human - and a big baby, so I'm likely to pout about it, but I'll get over it because I know you're just trying to help.

1. I'm going to drop 2 pounds a week - for a total of 105 pounds this year
1. Side note, if I drop 105 pounds from where I am right now, I'll be able to slide under a door, so this is an average, taking into account that I'll most likely gain a few here and there.  My real number is 75 pounds from where I am right now.
2. I'm going to eat well - cutting out a lot of fast food, most fried crap, a lot of starches, and a lot of pop. (Notice please that I have not committed to cutting out ALL of anything, that's not realistic.) I also need to cut out as much candy as I can without going completely insane. I refuse to picture a world where I cannot have a handful of gummy worms occasionally.
3. I'm going to exercise -yep, it's down on virtual paper now, I'm committed. Exercise! I have everything I need to actually exercise. I just need to get off the couch. I have a gym membership, I have weights, a treadmill, a gazelle, resistance bands, an 8 pound medicine ball, a bicycle, push up handles, a chin up bar, shoes, a wheel of death, a weight bench, 874 work out DVDs, Netflix, a Wii Fit with both Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus.

2. I'm going to finish writing both of my books
1. Book one is currently titled Mac and Murder and I wrote 1/2 of it for a contest. I've gotten 2/3rds or more completed. If I win the contest it will need to be totally complete so that it can be published. If I don't win, I am thinking of self-publishing.
2. Book two has no working title, but is actually the first book in my series about Mac Cartwright  - Mac works in a used bookstore somewhere in Ohio, when she finds her boss in a bloody heap in the back room she finds herself next on the murder's hit list. Mac and her friend Edie have to dodge the bad guy before he kills them both.

3. I'm going to enter the 3 Day Novel Contest in September (again) but this time I will finish a complete novel
4. I'm going to create and stick to a budget
5. I'm going to set aside 20 to 30 minutes of quiet/God time each day
6. Perhaps the hardest item on the list: I'm going to ask for help when I need it, not just with this stuff, but everywhere in my life.

Would you like to join me? Life is not about being alone, we were created for relationships. We are hardwired to work together to get it done. One of my favorite services from church was a series called Boulders and Backpacks. The sweetened condensed version is that we all have issues, trials and troubles in our lives, some are backpacks, they are personal and need to be carried by the owner - you carry your own and you don't carry other people's. In this way, we learn and grow from our own personal things. By not carrying other people's backpacks, you let them learn and grow and you don't get overwhelmed with trouble that isn't yours.

On the other hand, we also have boulders. These are situations that are specifically meant to be shared, we are supposed to help each other carry a part of the boulder so that we're not crushed by trying to carry it alone. By sharing our boulders, we strengthen our relationships with other people and grow.

Individual resolutions are backpacks, ultimately, we each have to shoulder the burden of getting them accomplished, or living with the consequences of not getting them done.

But the whole process is a boulder -we need to help each other with the boulders of accountability, the celebrations of success and the helpful nudging  that gets us back on track when we slip.

Thankful

I just wanted to jump on here for a second and empty some of what is in my head.

I don't have anything particularly brilliant or insightful today, I just wanted to say how thankful I am for my life and everyone in it.

On the news this morning, they were chatting back and forth about the holidays and whether or not people were ready. They mentioned that someone had posted on Facebook, that her family had already celebrated; the gifts were exchanged and all of the relatives had gone back home. The anchor woman said, "Wow it must be nice to be done with it already." I know that she probably didn't mean that the way it sounded, but it made me a little sad.

I love the anticipation of the holidays! 

Sure it's busier, but that just means that I have people in my life that I love, and love me back. 

Yeah, I'm pretty cash-poor this time of year, but I happily spend my last dime to get that perfect gift. Or stay up late to make that last batch of cookies. Or stand at the stove and stir until I think my arm might just pop off so that I can give away some caramels.

I don't like shopping, I don't like the bitter side of me that pops out when I think that people are taking advantage of everyone's holiday spirit. But I'm trying not to focus on that. And I certainly don't want the holidays to be over! As many of you know, I celebrated my birthday for a grand total of 7 weeks - I'm a celebration kind of gal.

At church this past weekend, our pastor, who lost both parents in a very short time, said that he remembered talking with his folks, or visiting them, and rather than treasuring that time together, he found himself thinking of things he needed to do later, and when he could leave or get off of the phone. He ended by saying that there were so many things that he would now give up, just to have one more conversation with either of them.

I know exactly how he feels. Exactly.

It's so easy to get caught up in our lives, and forget that there is someone standing right next to us, someone that won't be there forever, might not be there next year, or might even be taken away tomorrow.

As you're running around trying to figure out exactly how much time you have to spend here or there, take a second to remember why you're spending time where ever you are. Instead of thinking about when you can politely leave, forget about yourself and enjoy the company.

Merry Christmas to all of my family and friends!

I may not always be able to show it or say it, but I love you all and I'm thankful that you're a part of my life.

I don't believe in making New Year's Resolutions, but if I did, mine would be that I would be exactly the friend that you need me to be, and that I'd never be too busy to tell you that I love you.

Susie!!!

Comments

Why do we feel so compelled to comment on everything we read? I am "friends" on facebook with some relatively famous people - not that they'd ever be able to pick me out of a crowd or ever read anything I post. But I feel connected to a few people with a bit of celebrity status. 
One of these friends posted a question yesterday about, well, basically nothing. Within an hour, she had 181 comments. Then she posted another status update about how many replies she'd received, that post got an additional 40 or 50 comments.
I get it, i find myself commenting on things that I only have a minor opinion about. Things like my Nook Color eReader. The article had nothing to do with me, I just happen to love my shiny toy.
I comment on comments that disturb me, comments I think are funny. I comment on articles about things I know nothing about, and articles I know a lot about. I think I just want someone to agree with me, or maybe argue with me. Maybe I just want to be heard, even if what someone hears is silly.
I think we all want validation in one form or another. With the prevalence of social media, we crave it even more. Validation can be almost immediate and while that sounds like a good thing, I'm not so sure. 
When we seek validation from others, we are saying "love me" "understand me" "look at me" and at the heart of it all is a five year old child looking for attention. We all know that children crave attention. They just want someone to notice them. If they can't get the warm and fuzzy attention everyone desires, they'll settle for negative attention. I've never met an adult that doesn't understand this concept when discussing children. But do we apply it to ourselves? To other adults?
Look at our entertainment industry and you'll get your answer. We want to be heard to the point of self-destruction. 
My last song was good, but now I need to go to rehab. (feel sorry for me)
My last movie was number one for two weeks, I need some cocaine. (celebrate with me)
My first nine wives were all tramps, but number ten is going to be the one! (love me)
I'm not getting the offers I used to, maybe if I put myself out there more - I'll start doing full nudity. (look at me)
I'll start partying more. (surround me)
I'll date more guys/women. (fulfill me)
I'll leave my wife/husband. (miss me)

While there may not be semi-nude pictures of most of us in a national paper, sometimes our Facebook status and tweets and comments scream just as loud "Someone Love Me!!"

There is only one that will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. Just one, but He loves you with an unexplainable, undeniable, passionate, jealous love. 
Sometimes, that is really hard to accept. 
Sometimes that is really hard to feel.
Look for people in your life that accept you as you are, even when you avoid Facebook like the plague. Even when you don't feel like you have anything worthwhile to tweet. Even when you don't think you can take another day of your life. 
God has placed people in your life that will give you just a glimpse of what His love is all about. When you find those people, hang on for all you're worth, but never forget that they are people, just like you. 

They are not a reflection of your value, they cannot fill that void, they cannot ever validate you.
That is a task set for God alone.

 

I'm a different kind of person

I'm a different kind of person.

I noticed it in Kindergarten. At the tender age of 5, I knew I was not like the other kids. And the other kids knew it too. I remember the first day of school like it was yesterday, although, at the time I don't think I realized its significance. 

The school was very close to my home, two blocks away and visible from the front porch. I was a "walker" and so were most of the children that would be sharing the three or four hours each weekday afternoon with.

That first day I was very excited, I had already met my teacher at the "are you ready to attend Kindergarten" meeting the week before. That's where you go to the school and people ask questions like "Do you know the alphabet?" "How high can you count?" back then (1976) the only real requirement, was that you could tie your shoes. Somehow, shoe tying ability equated to elementary school readiness. 

I entered the room, my mom left. I was never one of those clingy kids. My parents joked that I kept an overnight bag packed 24-7, just in case I was invited to a sleepover. The room was a normal 1970's classroom. Toys, art supplies, half inch foam mats for nap time, books, and my favorite; The Letter People. If you don't know them, you've missed out. The Letter People had their own show on PBS, they were all shaped like a letter and looked like their sound (like Mr. T and his Tall Tall Teeth)...you can check them out on YouTube,  I'm sure.

Anyway, the room was already filled with kids, everyone paired up and looking the toys and games. Finding new friends and establishing the cliques that would carry us through graduation.

There are a few things that stand out from that day. I was not late to class, but I was one of the last to arrive. I didn't know anyone in my class, but everyone there seemed to have already been friends for years. Have you ever been invited to a party and you didn't want to go because you didn't know anyone, but your friend says "don't worry, I'll be there, and no one else knows each other either - this is a getting to know you kind of deal. It'll be fun" but then your friend somehow doesn't show up and you're stuck at this party alone. Then you realize that everyone attending does know each other, and not only that but they've been friends for a while. There's just no room to add an additional friend. Sorry, maybe someone else will talk to you.

You may not have had that exact experience, but I bet you've felt something similar. Maybe the first staff meeting you attended in a new job or position, the other people have been working together for a while and you don't quite fit in just yet.

Maybe you've changed schools and experienced being the new kid for a while.

Kindergarten was like that, but I couldn't understand how on the first day of school - literally the first day of our school careers - everyone already knew where they belonged.

I remember sitting in my locker on that first day...our lockers were open wooden closets with coat  hooks and I was pretty tiny back then. I couldn't find anyone that would let me into their newly formed group, so I left.

The teacher found me later and did what all well-meaning adults do in those situations. She brought me back into the classroom and forced the other kids play with me. 

I still feel like that lost five-year-old. I still feel like that kid your parents made you play with. I simply don't belong. 

I have a theory about this though. Most Christian communities believe (and Scripture supports) that we are set apart. People that are called by God to do His work are "set apart." This means that those God has called are different from the rest of the world. I'm one of those people. I'm sure of it. We are supposed to live differently. If you've been to church -ever - you've probably heard "in the world but not OF the world." Simply put, this means while we have to live with an interact with worldly things and people, we are not supposed to put that stuff first. We are supposed to be above all of that, we are not supposed to want what the world says we should want. We are supposed to live for God and for furthering the Kingdom of God. I love that. It's wonderful in theory and the rewards promised are glorious. But tell that to a new Kindergartner that has just caught her first glimpse of what the next 13 years would look like. Tell that to the little girl crying in her locker because she just realized that no one is ever going to be her friend unless they're forced. Being set apart can look a lot like not fitting in.

As an adult, I still don't fit in. I don’t fit in at work, I'm just not the corporate type. I don't fit at church, which is odd because that is the one place you'd think I'd have it made. I don't fit in with other adults and I don't fit in with the kids. 

Now, don't feel sorry for me. I have a handful of amazing friends that I wouldn't trade for all of the "fitting-in" in the world. I have a loving, wonderful, perfect-for-me husband that treats me like a princess and our son is nothing less that a perfect gift from a loving God. I have an amazing life. I have rewards waiting for me in eternity. Blessings from the creator of everything that ever was or ever will be.

God knows my name, called me to join him and set me apart for His own purpose. He knew I'd answer His call. And He knew it would be hard for me, but He also knew that if it wasn't hard for me, I wouldn't know that I needed Him.

If I had walked into that classroom the the fall of 1976, been instantly greeted by the three girls that I so badly wanted to play with, if I had been accepted into that little group, if I had become one of those cheerleaders, popular girls, skinny girls, those girls that ran the school, one of those girls that fit in, if I had become part of the World, I may never have cried out and sought comfort. I may have missed out on what God had been planning for me all along. 

Sometimes it's lonely, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else. But the real truth is that I'm glad I don't fit in. I'm glad that I'm different. I'm glad that God called me and set me apart to do His work.

The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.

John 15:19  NLT

Friendship Application

It's been a while since I've written anything. This is mostly due to the fact that I really haven't felt like writing. And I can't think of anything important to say. I'm trying to learn to keep my mouth shut when nothing of value is going to come out of it...it's a long journey.

As most of you know, I think about friends and friendship a lot - probably too much. But human interactions fascinate me and I can't seem to focus on much else.

I thought it would be fun to create a "Best Friend Application". This was inspired by my son's girlfriend who presented him with an "Application to Date My Daughter" from her mother when they first started seeing each other. I thought it was very clever, and we had a blast filling it out. Most of his answers were inappropriate and untrue (I hope) but they were funny. The mother enjoyed them too - she must have because that was a few years ago and they're still dating.

That made me think about what kind of questions would go on this application and what sort of answers I'd like to see filled in.

I have a best friend (yeah I'm gushy and it's my husband) but I've never had much luck with 'girl' friends. Maybe I should have held open interviews and had them fill out applications!

I picture something like this:

Oh - if you're going to answer them...don't read ahead. 

1. Name
2. Birthday
3. How many friends do you have already
4. Do you have room for more
5. Are you just adding me to your posse
6. How many "best" friends have you had in your life
7. Do you have any really deep dark secrets that you'll share with me later
8. What's your favorite food
9. Do you drink
10. Do you smoke

11. How do you feel about God

12. How do you feel about how you feel about God
13. Dogs or cats
14. If I was in trouble, how late could I call you and expect you to answer the phone
15. Referring to question 14, if you picked up the phone, would you also come to my rescue

16. Referring to question 15, if you were to come get me, is there a mileage limitation (think pizza delivery area) or a cost limitation (think bail)

17. If you were in trouble, how late would you think is too late to call me

18. Referring to question 17, assuming you would call me, which call would I be (i.e. first, second...only after no one else picked up)

19. If we were out in public and I picked a fight with someone that could obviously kill me, what would you do

20. Same question as 19, but this time the other person picked the fight

21. Assuming there is only one solution to all of life's troubles, what is it

22. Are you a hugger

23. Do you think everything is funny eventually

24. If I told you to go away and leave me alone, would you
25. Referring to question 24, if you answered yes, would you come back
26. Favorite color
27. My favorite thing in the whole world is something you hate more than anything else in your life, do you still go with me
28. Referring to question 27, would you get mad at me if I won't do something you love but I hate
29. Do you have any current friends that I can talk to for references
30. If you have a fight with your spouse (or who ever) will I be expected to be mad at them too

31. Referring to question 30, when you get back together or make up, are you going to be mad at me for agreeing with you when you were mad

32. If I tell you I'm on a diet, what is your roll in that
33. My pet just died, what do you do
34. Your pet just died, what should I do

35. Most important trait in the people in your life

36. Why do want to be my friend

Vampires

                Halloween is my birthday. I love it so much that I embrace the entire month of October as my Birthday Month. It’s just who I am.

                As a child, I loved that my special day was a special day for what seemed like the whole world. I hated that it didn’t afford me the special powers required to turn my brother into a toad. Not that I didn’t try. I tried a lot!

                As I got older, I loved the Halloween specials on TV. I still watch It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown every year. I loved going to the stores and seeing the new costumes each year. The limited edition spooky packaging on everyday products that convinced me that they would taste sooo much better than the same items (in the boring, normal packaging) already at home that I refused to eat because I didn’t like them.

                I loved dressing up for Trick or Treat and Halloween parties at school. I always felt so special because it was like the whole country was dressing up to celebrate my birthday. Beggar’s Night was my favorite. I dressed up and went out for Trick or Treat until I was 18. When the adults would say I was too old, I’d say, “I know! But it’s my birthday, so I’m allowed.” And to their credit, everyone said “Happy Birthday!” and gave me candy.

                I still love candy, but now that I’m an “adult,” I just go to the store and buy it whenever I want. It’s not quite as fun, but that’s ok. Now, I hand out candy on Beggar’s Night. I love to see the littlest kids all dressed up and so shy.  I love that teenagers pretend they don’t want to go out, but everyone knows they really do. I love that grown men and women dress up, come to my porch and proceed to tell me that not only do they have the kid with them, a baby down on the sidewalk, but also twins at home that are only two weeks old so can they please have some extra candy for them?  I have two Trick or Treating rules, you have to be in costume and you have to say “Trick or Treat” otherwise you can go to Kroger and pay for your candy like everyone else.

                The ironic thing about my birthday being on the spookiest night of the year is the fact that I’m a huge chicken. I don’t like horror movies. I don’t read scary books anymore. I’m afraid of dolls, clowns, the dark, under my bed, the closet, the basement, the attic, goats, antique baby carriages, ghosts, and the devil. Ok, that’s not completely true. I’m not afraid of ghosts because I don’t believe they exist, at least not in the traditional Great-Uncle-Maxwell-has-unfinished-business-so-he’s-slamming-doors-and-cutting-the-lights kind of ghosts. I don’t believe in witches (Wiccans don’t be offended please, you know what I mean) I don’t think there are aliens that pretty much only appear on farms and in trailer parks, and don’t believe in bad luck. What I do believe in…vampires.

                Not the traditional Count Dracula or Nosferatu. Not the “I vant to suck your blood”, undead, allergic to sunlight, can’t cross running water, turn-into-a-bat, stake through the heart vampire. I believe in spiritual vampires. These are the people that drain the joy from our lives like it’s their job. These are people that are so unhappy with their own lives they simply cannot stand for someone else to be happy, even if it is their birthday month. These people are wrapped up in their own misery and to be near them is to put yourself into the gravitational pull of their misery.

                Knowing and identifying the emotional vampires in my life is relatively easy. These are the people that make me sleepy when I talk to them. They make me tired just to be around. My patience wears thin and I want to run away, but I’m helpless to move. I’m caught. I’m trapped in the mire of negativity and joylessness. My fear is that I’ll become one of them. If you’ve ever been around one, you know how easy it is to see life through those muck-colored glasses; to see the world as ugly and hateful and sad; to commiserate and even encourage the vampiric behavior; and then prey on other unsuspecting victims.

                Today, I made a choice. Not a good one, but I allowed it to happen, so for today I will deal with it, and tomorrow let it go. I allowed a vampire to cast a pall on my birthday month. To rob my joy for the day. I’ve been so proud of myself lately, I’ve been more up than down, more happy than sad. I’ve embraced and accepted joy that I normally would have pushed away. I’m learning to keep the joy for myself. This might sound selfish, but if you’ve ever had joy, you know that if you keep it, it just flows back out of you so that someone else can have it too.

                So, I’ve been basking in the light of joy, and I left it out in the open too long and I allowed a vampire to take it. Honestly, it’s not the vampire’s fault, it was mine. I should have guarded it more closely. I should have left it in the van for just a little while. Locked it in my heart and jealously guarded it until I was out of the vampire’s reach, but I foolishly thought maybe the vampire would want some of what I had. That’s the thing about vampires though, they do want what you have, but only so that they can destroy it so that no one else can have it and you can’t have it back. They don’t want joy in their lives because they don’t understand that it’s not a commodity to be owned, but a gift to be shared. I let this vampire come and steal the joy of my birthday month. I keep thinking about what perfect birthday month it’s been. I went out with some of my favorite people on Earth, we had a great time! I’ve been writing, my job is going well, my home life is awesome, I have the greatest kid on the planet and yet this stupid vampire took my joy and smashed it on the ground, and all I can do is think that maybe, just maybe, I’m more vampire than I thought. Maybe I attract the vampires because I am one.

                Tomorrow is my birthday. I have decided that if I am a vampire, tomorrow I will be reborn into something new. I will no longer allow the vampires in my life to control my joy. They will not pull me into their orbit; they will not steal from me and crush what is mine. I will not lose what I have because I allowed a vampire to have it.