She Never Speaks

An experimental fiction

 She never speaks. Poor thing. She won’t give you any trouble at all. Just check on her at least once an hour and make sure she’s ok.

Is she retarded?

We don’t use that word here. It upsets the patients’ families. As far as we know, she has no mental deficiencies. But she’s traumatized and just won’t come out of it.

What happened to her?

Oh, that’s a story for another time. Let me show you the rest of the ward. You’ll have your hands full soon enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good they’re gone! I didn’t want them to see me talking to you. I got you some pudding from the lunch room. Do you want it? Come on it’s your favorite. At least I like to think it’s your favorite. It’s my favorite. Do you care if I eat it? I mean, I stole it and all and if you’re not going to eat it, I might as well.

What are you doing in there? I told you yesterday to leave that girl alone and if you don’t stop stealing pudding from the lunchroom we’re going to lock you in your room!

Bye! I’ll see you tomorrow – maybe vanilla then.

GO! Do I have to pick you up and carry you out of here?

Ah we’re alone. You know, you’re pretty. Or you would be if you weren’t stupid. I wonder what you think about all day while you stare out that window. Probably nothing. Just another retard waiting to die.

We need you downstairs. Mrs. Tate has fallen out of her wheelchair again and I need another person to help me lift her.

Poor lady, I’ll be right down. Until tonight my beauty. I’ve been waiting all month for this night. I’ll be the only one here. They finally trust me enough to leave me in charge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How are you feeling today? You look well. Nice color in your cheeks. I see you got a shower. You have such pretty hair. Do you mind if I brush it? My daughter used to love it when I brushed her hair. It wasn’t thick like yours, but it was just as pretty.
She liked for me to braid it. I never did a very good job I’m afraid, but it was fun just the same. I miss her so much. She just doesn’t have time to visit. I know she doesn’t like to bring the kids here either. They’re so young and they don’t really know what’s going on.
Maybe someday they’ll let me out, maybe I could take you with me. Would you like that? I could fix you a nice room right upstairs. I still have a house you know? It’s small, but it’s just me so I don’t need much. There would be plenty enough room for you too. Oh how I wish I knew if you understood. I won’t leave here without you.

Ms. Naomi, you needs to go back to your own room.

I’m not hurting anyone, I’m visiting with my friend here. Her hair was a rat’s nest from where someone washed it but didn’t brush it out. I’m just visiting.

Ma’am you needs to go back to your room. You knows we don’t allow no unsupervised visits with other patients.

Well. You stay with us then. I’m not doing anything wrong. Sit on the bed here until I get her hair untangled, then we can both go.

You know I don’t have time…oh alright, just a minute though. I’m on duty and if I get caught slacking I’ll hear about it all night.

Thank you. I’ll have my daughter bring you some cookies next time she’s up. I know how you love her little tea cookies.

Oh! Those are my favorites. I love them little cookies. When you think she commin’ again?

It’s hard to say. Maybe for Christmas. I know she’ll have some time off of work then.

How come you waste your time with this here gal? You know she don’t know one thing that’s goin’ on. She’s all locked up tight in that head of hers.

Oh I don’t know. I don’t have anything better to do and I think she knows we’re here. I think she likes the company.

Well, I don’t know about none of that but if I was her, I’d never talk either. I’da killed myself long before now.

You know her story?

Most of it anyway. I can’t tell you though on account of you bein’ a patient here. We ain’t allowed to talk about private information with anyone, especially not patients.

Well, that’s OK. I’d like to know what happened to her. But I don’t want you to get into trouble. Maybe someday she’ll be able to tell me herself.

Doubt it. She got hurt real bad. Seen some stuff no one should ever see. I hope she don’t never remember.

OK. Her hair’s pretty as a picture. Let’s go see if there’s any ice cream left.

Yep, I hope she don’t remember.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got you some ice cream. You don’t want it? Here, let me feed you. I’ve never seen you eat, but you have to eat right? I mean, otherwise you’d be dead. Here, just take a little bite. There! It’s good right? Want more? You just tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. You know, they say you’re retarded or something. But I can see in your eyes that you ain’t stupid. There’s a light. It got brighter with the ice cream. But it’s cold too…but I know, you know. I can tell.

You need to leave now. It’s time for her medication. You know you’re not supposed to take food out of the dining room. Were you feeding her? This is a patient, not your pet. Don’t let me catch you feeding her again. What if she’s allergic to something and you kill her? Did you think of that? Please go now. And no more food.

Fine, I’ll go back to my room but you people have to feed her. Maybe that’s why she can’t talk, she’s starving to death.

Goodnight.
Oh, hello Naomi. Come to say goodnight?

Yes, thank you nurse.
Goodnight sweetheart. I’ll come visit tomorrow. Maybe if it’s nice we can walk around the gardens?

I don’t know if they’ll let you take her out of the hospital. Why would you want to anyway? She don’t know what’s going on.

Well, she’s company anyway, and at least she doesn’t interrupt me! Ha ha. Goodnight nurse!

Goodnight Naomi. I’ll leave a message for the day nurse that you want to take her for a walk outside. We’ll see that she says.

Time for you meds kiddo. Let me help you into bed. Naomi made your hair really pretty.             
Just a little pinch. Sorry, I know it stings, but it’ll help you sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

…awake? It don’t matter anyhow. I don’t care if you’re awake or asleep, or hell, even dead. Don’t get any ideas pretty lady, you just lay here. Your skin is so soft. Must be what a baby feels like. So warm. You don’t even know your own name do you dummy? That’s ok. Here touch this. Hold it. HOLD IT YOU BITCH! Fine that’s not gonna work. Oh you are awake. Good, kiss me. mmm you don’t even put up a fight. Not much of a kisser though. That’s OK I can teach you. We’ll have plenty of time together now that I work nights.
You’re so soft, so soft, I love your hair. Am I squishing you? I don’t really care. You like that and you know it. It’d be nice if you’d move, but that’s ok, I just need you for a second. Just…one…more…second.

I guess I don’t have to tell you not to tell anyone about this because you’re so far gone you don’t even know what happened. But if you decide to open up, just know that I won’t think twice about cutting your pretty little head right off of your shoulders. I hope you understand. I have a wife and what would the kids think?
See you tomorrow night princess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you awake? I smell cologne. Are you ok? Your face is wet. You’ve been crying. Can I lay with you? I hate sleeping in my room. My roommate has night terrors and they won’t give her anything to make her go to sleep. She screams all night long and the shadows bother me because they want to go to sleep too. Don’t cry. Maybe they’ll let me change rooms and be your room mate. I wonder why you always get a room alone? You’d be a good roomie, you never make any noise and I could sleep all night for once. Wake me up before the nurse comes in. I’ll get shocked again if they find me in the wrong room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You must be a light sleeper. It’s not even dawn yet and here you sit, staring out the window. What’s so interesting out there anyway? Squirrels? I got a note that Naomi wanted to take you for a walk outside. The doctor won’t be here today, it’s Saturday you know, but he never said you couldn’t go walk around, so I guess you can go.
Would you even like that? Do you want to go outside? Maybe we’ll put you in a wheelchair so Naomi can just push you around. At least you’ll get some fresh air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breakfast was good. Did you eat dear? You need to eat. You look different today. Something has changed in your face. Let me get closer. I wish you’d just tell me what’s wrong. What happened to you, you poor thing!

You gonna kiss her?

OH! Nurse! You scared me. Ha ha, I wasn’t kissing her, I was trying to look into her eyes. She seems sad today.

She always seems sad to me. Never talking, just sitting and staring off into space. I don’t think she even knows she’s on the planet.

Oh, she knows. There’s a light in her eyes. Normally I can see it, but something’s wrong today. Maybe the fresh air will perk her up. Will you hold the elevator door for us? Do you think we need jackets?

No, it’s really nice outside. Make sure to come back in before lunch, the afternoon nurse won’t know where she’s gone to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s a lovely day dear. Let’s walk over by the pond. You know, I don’t mind pushing you in this wheelchair, but you can walk if you’d like. I can help you. No? OK. Well maybe later.

There are lots of fish in this pond. My husband used to fish all of the time before he got sick. We had a pond out back, but it’s been dried up for years now. I used to wonder where all the fish went when a pond went dry. I still don’t know. But I never saw any dead fish after the water was gone. It was just a big mud puddle for the longest time. One year I bought wild flower seeds and threw them all over the mud, now it’s the prettiest flower garden you ever saw. I hope you get to see it one day. I hope I get to see it again.

My daughter is coming to visit me in three weeks. She called this morning before breakfast. Funny, I was talking to your nurse just last night about asking my daughter to make her some tea cookies. She, my daughter not the nurse, said she’d be happy to make them. She’s bringing my grandbabies too. I can’t wait to see them. Do you remember them? Oh, I don’t think you were here the last time they visited. Let’s see. You came in March, I remember because the tulips were blooming and they were so pretty that year. That was what, two years ago? Three? I’ll have to ask someone.

Anyhow, I have two grandchildren, Jacob and Tyler; they are nine and ten respectively. They don’t even know me, I’ve been in this damn hospital for most of their lives. I’m not crazy you know? I’m not. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else, but I’m certainly not a danger to anyone. I’d never hurt anyone, or myself either. What happened was an accident. I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t my fault. I never meant to kill her. I want you to know that, even if no one else ever believes me, I want you to know that. I didn’t mean for her to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I brought you some more ice cream. Strawberry this time, I hope you like it. Here, take a bite. See? It’s good right? I had two bowls earlier, I wanted more but they wouldn’t let me have it. I had to wait until they weren’t looking to get yours. You ok? You seem different today. That’s funny ain’t it? You never talk or do anything but you seem different. Can I come back and sleep in your room again tonight? I won’t hog the covers I promise.

Are you in here again? You gotta quit feeding this girl. If you make her sick, I gotta clean it up. Look, I know we all feel sorry for her, but we feed her three meals a day. She gets enough food. Maybe if she wants something sweet bad enough, she’ll ask for it.

But she likes the ice cream, I put in her mouth and she seems happy. I ain’t hurtin her none. She’s just a girl and girls like ice cream. Just trying to bring her some happy.

Well, you need to stop, if you want to visit, that’s fine. But no more food. And when you visit, you need to have someone with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you enjoy the fresh air? That Naomi sure has taken a liking to you. That’s nice that you have a friend now. Tara likes you too but I’m afraid she’s gonna make you fat giving you all those sweets. She’s basically harmless though. Would you like to lie down? I could give you something to help you sleep. Maybe a nice nap before dinner? No? OK well, I’ll check on you a little later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s time for dinner. Do you want to eat in your room or would you like go to the dining room with your friends? You know, I think some company would do you good. Staring out the window all day can’t be good for your mind. Or your eyes for that matter. Probably better than staring at a computer screen though. Ok, have it your way, we’ll eat in here. Let’s see, you got peas n’ carrots, turkey and dressing, and it ain’t even Thanksgiving. The cooks must be feeling festive today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahh hello there my sweet thing. I know you’re awake. I know you’re waiting for me. I missed you today. I thought about you this afternoon when I was with my wife. She’s much prettier than you but she wants to do things her way. Sometimes I like to do things my way. I’m going to roll you over now. See, that’s nice. Not even a whimper. There’s a good girl.

I’ll be back tomorrow. Maybe later tonight if I can slip away. You keep your stupid mouth shut. Ha ha! What a joke. You are nothing. You know that right? Just a lump of meat. One kiss before I go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m back again. Why are you still awake? Something’s wrong with you, what is it. Your bed is wet. I’m going to turn on the light. Oh! That’s blood. Why are you bleeding? That’s blood. That’s blood. I don’t like blood. Stop bleeding stop stop stop I can’t sleep here stop bleeding!

What’s all the noise in here? Why are you in here? You are not allowed of your room after lights out. YOU KNOW THAT! I’m going to report you tomorrow so that you’ll get another shock. You like the shocks right? You have five seconds to get out of my sight!

And you! I don’t know what that idiot knows but she better not know nothing you hear me? I’m going to get you cleaned up and then you’re getting a shot. A double dose tonight bitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning Sunshine! Hey, how come you’re not out of bed yet? I’ve got your breakfast. Bacon and eggs today. Naomi asked to take you out again, it’s going to be a beautiful day today. I thought you two could eat lunch on the deck. I might just join you. Hey, sleepy head, it’s time to get up. You’re really out aren’t you? I’ll come back in an hour or so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You up yet kiddo? No? That’s not right. Are you getting sick? Well, you don’t look sick. No fever. Ah there’s some movement. Wanna get up now? I brought your breakfast again, I heated it up in the microwave so at least it’ll be warm for you. Come on now up we go. Why so groggy this morning huh? Did they give you your medicine too late? I’ll have to speak to the guy on nights. He seems like such a nice guy. Maybe he’s just having a hard time getting into the routine.
Here let’s eat and then we’ll get you dressed.
Oh, I see you’re spotting just a bit, I didn’t know you still, well, you know, still had those.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning. The nurse said she didn’t think you were feeling too hot this morning. You do look a little pale. Oh why can’t you just tell me? I want to help you, you just have to tell me how.

Hello nurse. Are you going to call the doctor in? I think our girl here is really sick. She has no color and her eyes are dull. She’s so lethargic.

I called that doctor just now. He wants me to draw some blood so they can test it. I guess maybe he thinks she’s got some virus. You can stay if you wants to.

Yes, I’ll stay. She seems so lonely. It just breaks my heart. Must be the mother in me.

I knows just what you mean. I cain’t help but be sorry for her m’self. They tells us not to pay no mind to the patients. Just do what you is supposed to do an move on, but I cain’t hardly do that. Y’all is people too. Just people with problems bigger than you can handle.

Have you seen Tara this morning? She wasn’t at breakfast and I didn’t see her in her room.

Now, I ain’t seen her, but I heard she’s upstairs. I reckon she took to a fit last night and it was all that great big ol’ man nurse could do to control her. He said she was sleepin’ in here with your friend. Oh, now, you knows I ain’t supposed to be tellin’ you all this!

I understand, I won’t repeat it. I was just worried. I don’t think Tara can take too many more shocks. It takes her longer to recover each time. Last time, that was, oh I don’t know for sure, maybe six months ago. It took her nearly two full weeks to get back to where she could walk right. I didn’t think she’d ever quit drooling though.

Don’t you worry yourself none about that now. The doctors know what they’re doing. When Tara takes a fit, she’s liable to hurt someone and we cain’t have that. We gots to shock her to get her to calm down some and be reasonable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well,  I don’t think you’re getting sick, so that’s good. It looks to me like the nurse that gave you your medicine last night forgot to write it on your chart and the overnight nurse thought you hadn’t gotten it yet. So, I guess the worst that happened was you got a really good night’s sleep. The effects should wear off soon and you’ll be back to normal in no time. They told me you’d started menstruating, there’s no sense being in pain when you don’t have to be. I’ve prescribed a pain killer and another pill that will help with any cramps, just let the nurse know if you want to take them.

Nurse, I want to speak to whomever was supposed to be taking care of this young lady last evening and on the overnight shift. They’re damn lucky she has no family and can’t talk. Do you have any idea how much trouble we can get into by over medicating a patient? With all these damn civil liberties nut jobs running around it’s wonder we’re ever still open.

Yes sir, I’ll let them know. The night guy don’t come in till after dinner tho, I can have him call you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello my sweet princess. Thank you for not telling them. I thought I was in trouble, but they just told me to be more careful with the medicines. I promised them that I would.

I think I just want to cuddle tonight. You’re so warm and soft. My wife’s feet are cold all of the time and it really bothers me. I’m sorry I had to have your crazy friend shocked. I’ve heard around the halls that they went a little too far and they don’t think she’s going to come out of it this time. They’ve moved her upstairs permanently, so I guess no more sweets for you.

Cuddling is so boring. Are you bored? How’s this? That feels nice right? See, I’m not so bad. A little romance, a little foreplay. And now it’s down to business. I know you like it or else you’d say something. Just say the word and I’ll stop. No? Good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh good you’re awake. I can’t believe the doctor said you weren’t sick. There’s something wrong with you and I want to know what it is. I overheard some nurses talking this morning. Tara’s not coming back. They fried her brain. It’s just awful. She didn’t deserve that. No one does. They stuck her in the room with Melba, she screams all night long. If a person wasn’t crazy to begin with, they certainly would be after spending a few nights with her.

I wanted to take you outside again. Would you like to go for a walk. They let me borrow this wheelchair again so I can push you around like last time. Here, let me help you up. Come on sweetie, let’s go get some fresh air. Up you go. Please? Just get into the chair. We can get lunch and take it out on the deck. It’s so pretty outside, the flowers are all in full bloom and you can smell the lilacs. They’re my favorite, they seem to fill the air, make it thick somehow.

There’s a girl. We’ll grab some lunch trays and have the nurse help us out to the deck with them. Today’s menu is Salisbury steak or fish sandwiches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How’s your steak dear? You haven’t eaten much. Oh nurse, would you bring us another knife? She’s dropped hers and it’s gone between the slats of the deck. I don’t know how they cook Salisbury steak to the point where you need a knife, but it’s as tough as shoe leather. And these flimsy plastic things aren’t worth the powder to blow them up.

Thank you dear.
After you finish eating, maybe we can walk around the pond again. I like to see the fish jump. It reminds me of happier times.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard Naomi got you to go outside again. You’ve even got a little color on you cheeks. Good for you. I brought you some dinner. Sorry but it’s the fish sandwiches that no one wanted at lunch time. I don’t know why they keep serving them, there isn’t one person in this whole building that likes fish sandwiches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, I’ll be back in just a little while to give your medicine, would you like the television on? No? Well, OK see you in about an hour.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Helllloooooo? Are you awake? I’m gonna have to make this short. It’s a full moon tonight so everyone is just a bit crazier than normal. You’ve been so good to me. I’ll be off for a couple of days. I’ll miss you. My wife is making me take her and the kids to the lake. Maybe they’ll let me check you out and take you with us. That’d be a hoot! I think my wife might get into it once she sees how pretty you are. And it’s not even like you’re a real person. You’re like a very realistic doll. But so much better. Ah…yes…so…much…better!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m sorry. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I know

But, where were you?

I was here all along

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just don’t understand it. How could someone kill themselves with a plastic butter knife?

Welcome 2012 - I'm glad you're here!

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. 

At least I haven't in the last 30 or so years. I think they're silly and just another way to measure my failures. See, I start off with a bad attitude, so there's no way I can succeed anyway right?

This year, I'm going to start making them again. I don't like the way I live my life. 

Don't misread that; I love my life. I don't like how I live it.

I waste time.

I procrastinate.

I whine.

I complain.

I wish things were different, but don't take the steps to change.

This is all my fault - really it is - I live my life the nice, easy, lazy way. I don’t take on obligations that are outside of my comfort zone (read: that take effort on my part).

I don't make waves, I go with the flow, I drift along. 

And all the time I think, "I wish I would have _________." Fill in the blank with a million things.

-written my book

-not eaten that XXXXX

-changed my oil when I had time

-gone to the grocery rather than taking a nap

-washed dishes

-exercised when I got up an hour early

-gotten up an hour early

The list could go on for days, but the bottom line for every item I list is that I should just get up and do things.

Setting realistic goals is no problem for me. I set them all of the time, but the part I shy away from is accountability.

If I set a goal to lose 2 pounds a week, and don't tell anyone, who cares? I can eat, and be lazy, and never exercise, and no one's the wiser.

I don't like to tell people my goals for exactly that reason. I don’t want people to know that I've failed. Or worse yet, to call me out for not sticking to my plan.

Well, no more. 

I'm going to publish my "resolutions" for 2012.

Feel free to call me out and make me stick to the plan. Hold me accountable for the  stuff I mess up on, but remember, I'm human - and a big baby, so I'm likely to pout about it, but I'll get over it because I know you're just trying to help.

1. I'm going to drop 2 pounds a week - for a total of 105 pounds this year
1. Side note, if I drop 105 pounds from where I am right now, I'll be able to slide under a door, so this is an average, taking into account that I'll most likely gain a few here and there.  My real number is 75 pounds from where I am right now.
2. I'm going to eat well - cutting out a lot of fast food, most fried crap, a lot of starches, and a lot of pop. (Notice please that I have not committed to cutting out ALL of anything, that's not realistic.) I also need to cut out as much candy as I can without going completely insane. I refuse to picture a world where I cannot have a handful of gummy worms occasionally.
3. I'm going to exercise -yep, it's down on virtual paper now, I'm committed. Exercise! I have everything I need to actually exercise. I just need to get off the couch. I have a gym membership, I have weights, a treadmill, a gazelle, resistance bands, an 8 pound medicine ball, a bicycle, push up handles, a chin up bar, shoes, a wheel of death, a weight bench, 874 work out DVDs, Netflix, a Wii Fit with both Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus.

2. I'm going to finish writing both of my books
1. Book one is currently titled Mac and Murder and I wrote 1/2 of it for a contest. I've gotten 2/3rds or more completed. If I win the contest it will need to be totally complete so that it can be published. If I don't win, I am thinking of self-publishing.
2. Book two has no working title, but is actually the first book in my series about Mac Cartwright  - Mac works in a used bookstore somewhere in Ohio, when she finds her boss in a bloody heap in the back room she finds herself next on the murder's hit list. Mac and her friend Edie have to dodge the bad guy before he kills them both.

3. I'm going to enter the 3 Day Novel Contest in September (again) but this time I will finish a complete novel
4. I'm going to create and stick to a budget
5. I'm going to set aside 20 to 30 minutes of quiet/God time each day
6. Perhaps the hardest item on the list: I'm going to ask for help when I need it, not just with this stuff, but everywhere in my life.

Would you like to join me? Life is not about being alone, we were created for relationships. We are hardwired to work together to get it done. One of my favorite services from church was a series called Boulders and Backpacks. The sweetened condensed version is that we all have issues, trials and troubles in our lives, some are backpacks, they are personal and need to be carried by the owner - you carry your own and you don't carry other people's. In this way, we learn and grow from our own personal things. By not carrying other people's backpacks, you let them learn and grow and you don't get overwhelmed with trouble that isn't yours.

On the other hand, we also have boulders. These are situations that are specifically meant to be shared, we are supposed to help each other carry a part of the boulder so that we're not crushed by trying to carry it alone. By sharing our boulders, we strengthen our relationships with other people and grow.

Individual resolutions are backpacks, ultimately, we each have to shoulder the burden of getting them accomplished, or living with the consequences of not getting them done.

But the whole process is a boulder -we need to help each other with the boulders of accountability, the celebrations of success and the helpful nudging  that gets us back on track when we slip.

Thankful

I just wanted to jump on here for a second and empty some of what is in my head.

I don't have anything particularly brilliant or insightful today, I just wanted to say how thankful I am for my life and everyone in it.

On the news this morning, they were chatting back and forth about the holidays and whether or not people were ready. They mentioned that someone had posted on Facebook, that her family had already celebrated; the gifts were exchanged and all of the relatives had gone back home. The anchor woman said, "Wow it must be nice to be done with it already." I know that she probably didn't mean that the way it sounded, but it made me a little sad.

I love the anticipation of the holidays! 

Sure it's busier, but that just means that I have people in my life that I love, and love me back. 

Yeah, I'm pretty cash-poor this time of year, but I happily spend my last dime to get that perfect gift. Or stay up late to make that last batch of cookies. Or stand at the stove and stir until I think my arm might just pop off so that I can give away some caramels.

I don't like shopping, I don't like the bitter side of me that pops out when I think that people are taking advantage of everyone's holiday spirit. But I'm trying not to focus on that. And I certainly don't want the holidays to be over! As many of you know, I celebrated my birthday for a grand total of 7 weeks - I'm a celebration kind of gal.

At church this past weekend, our pastor, who lost both parents in a very short time, said that he remembered talking with his folks, or visiting them, and rather than treasuring that time together, he found himself thinking of things he needed to do later, and when he could leave or get off of the phone. He ended by saying that there were so many things that he would now give up, just to have one more conversation with either of them.

I know exactly how he feels. Exactly.

It's so easy to get caught up in our lives, and forget that there is someone standing right next to us, someone that won't be there forever, might not be there next year, or might even be taken away tomorrow.

As you're running around trying to figure out exactly how much time you have to spend here or there, take a second to remember why you're spending time where ever you are. Instead of thinking about when you can politely leave, forget about yourself and enjoy the company.

Merry Christmas to all of my family and friends!

I may not always be able to show it or say it, but I love you all and I'm thankful that you're a part of my life.

I don't believe in making New Year's Resolutions, but if I did, mine would be that I would be exactly the friend that you need me to be, and that I'd never be too busy to tell you that I love you.

Susie!!!

Comments

Why do we feel so compelled to comment on everything we read? I am "friends" on facebook with some relatively famous people - not that they'd ever be able to pick me out of a crowd or ever read anything I post. But I feel connected to a few people with a bit of celebrity status. 
One of these friends posted a question yesterday about, well, basically nothing. Within an hour, she had 181 comments. Then she posted another status update about how many replies she'd received, that post got an additional 40 or 50 comments.
I get it, i find myself commenting on things that I only have a minor opinion about. Things like my Nook Color eReader. The article had nothing to do with me, I just happen to love my shiny toy.
I comment on comments that disturb me, comments I think are funny. I comment on articles about things I know nothing about, and articles I know a lot about. I think I just want someone to agree with me, or maybe argue with me. Maybe I just want to be heard, even if what someone hears is silly.
I think we all want validation in one form or another. With the prevalence of social media, we crave it even more. Validation can be almost immediate and while that sounds like a good thing, I'm not so sure. 
When we seek validation from others, we are saying "love me" "understand me" "look at me" and at the heart of it all is a five year old child looking for attention. We all know that children crave attention. They just want someone to notice them. If they can't get the warm and fuzzy attention everyone desires, they'll settle for negative attention. I've never met an adult that doesn't understand this concept when discussing children. But do we apply it to ourselves? To other adults?
Look at our entertainment industry and you'll get your answer. We want to be heard to the point of self-destruction. 
My last song was good, but now I need to go to rehab. (feel sorry for me)
My last movie was number one for two weeks, I need some cocaine. (celebrate with me)
My first nine wives were all tramps, but number ten is going to be the one! (love me)
I'm not getting the offers I used to, maybe if I put myself out there more - I'll start doing full nudity. (look at me)
I'll start partying more. (surround me)
I'll date more guys/women. (fulfill me)
I'll leave my wife/husband. (miss me)

While there may not be semi-nude pictures of most of us in a national paper, sometimes our Facebook status and tweets and comments scream just as loud "Someone Love Me!!"

There is only one that will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. Just one, but He loves you with an unexplainable, undeniable, passionate, jealous love. 
Sometimes, that is really hard to accept. 
Sometimes that is really hard to feel.
Look for people in your life that accept you as you are, even when you avoid Facebook like the plague. Even when you don't feel like you have anything worthwhile to tweet. Even when you don't think you can take another day of your life. 
God has placed people in your life that will give you just a glimpse of what His love is all about. When you find those people, hang on for all you're worth, but never forget that they are people, just like you. 

They are not a reflection of your value, they cannot fill that void, they cannot ever validate you.
That is a task set for God alone.