I'm a different kind
of person.
I noticed it in
Kindergarten. At the tender age of 5, I knew I was not like the other kids. And
the other kids knew it too. I remember the first day of school like it was
yesterday, although, at the time I don't think I realized its significance.
The school was very
close to my home, two blocks away and visible from the front porch. I was a
"walker" and so were most of the children that would be sharing the three or
four hours each weekday afternoon with.
That first day I was
very excited, I had already met my teacher at the "are you ready to attend
Kindergarten" meeting the week before. That's where you go to the school
and people ask questions like "Do you know the alphabet?" "How
high can you count?" back then (1976) the only real requirement, was that
you could tie your shoes. Somehow, shoe tying ability equated to elementary
school readiness.
I entered the room,
my mom left. I was never one of those clingy kids. My parents joked that I kept
an overnight bag packed 24-7, just in case I was invited to a sleepover. The
room was a normal 1970's classroom. Toys, art supplies, half inch foam mats for
nap time, books, and my favorite; The Letter People. If you don't know them,
you've missed out. The Letter People had their own show on PBS, they were all
shaped like a letter and looked like their sound (like Mr. T and his Tall Tall
Teeth)...you can check them out on YouTube,
I'm sure.
Anyway, the room was
already filled with kids, everyone paired up and looking the toys and games.
Finding new friends and establishing the cliques that would carry us through
graduation.
There are a few
things that stand out from that day. I was not
late to class, but I was one of the last to arrive. I didn't know anyone in my class, but everyone there seemed
to have already been friends for years. Have you ever been invited to a party
and you didn't want to go because you didn't know anyone, but your friend says
"don't worry, I'll be there, and no one else knows each other either -
this is a getting to know you kind of deal. It'll be fun" but then your
friend somehow doesn't show up and you're stuck at this party alone. Then you
realize that everyone attending does know each other, and not only that
but they've been friends for a while. There's just no room to add an additional
friend. Sorry, maybe someone else will talk to you.
You may not have had
that exact experience, but I bet you've felt something similar. Maybe the first
staff meeting you attended in a new job or position, the other people have been
working together for a while and you don't quite fit in just yet.
Maybe you've changed
schools and experienced being the new kid for a while.
Kindergarten was
like that, but I couldn't understand how on the first day of school - literally
the first day of our school careers - everyone already knew where they belonged.
I remember sitting
in my locker on that first day...our lockers were open wooden closets with
coat hooks and I was pretty tiny back
then. I couldn't find anyone that would let me into their newly formed group,
so I left.
The teacher found me
later and did what all well-meaning adults do in those situations. She brought
me back into the classroom and forced the other kids play with me.
I still feel like
that lost five-year-old. I still feel like that kid your parents made you play with. I simply don't belong.
I have a theory
about this though. Most Christian communities believe (and Scripture supports) that we are set apart.
People that are called by God to do His work are "set apart."
This means that those God has called are different from the rest of the world.
I'm one of those people. I'm sure of it. We are supposed to live differently.
If you've been to church -ever - you've probably heard "in the world but
not OF the world." Simply put, this means while we have to live with an
interact with worldly things and people, we are not supposed to put that stuff
first. We are supposed to be above all of that, we are not supposed to want
what the world says we should want. We are supposed to live for God and for
furthering the Kingdom of God. I love that. It's wonderful in theory and the
rewards promised are glorious. But tell that to a new Kindergartner that has
just caught her first glimpse of what the next 13 years would look like. Tell
that to the little girl crying in her locker because she just realized that no
one is ever going to be her friend unless they're forced. Being set apart can
look a lot like not fitting in.
As an adult, I still
don't fit in. I don’t fit in at work, I'm just not the corporate type. I don't
fit at church, which is odd because that is the one place you'd think I'd have
it made. I don't fit in with other adults and I don't fit in with the kids.
Now, don't feel
sorry for me. I have a handful of amazing friends that I wouldn't trade for all
of the "fitting-in" in the world. I have a loving, wonderful,
perfect-for-me husband that treats me like a princess and our son is nothing
less that a perfect gift from a loving God. I have an amazing life. I have
rewards waiting for me in eternity. Blessings from the creator of everything
that ever was or ever will be.
God knows my name,
called me to join him and set me apart for His own purpose. He knew I'd answer
His call. And He knew it would be hard for me, but He also knew that if it
wasn't hard for me, I wouldn't know that I needed Him.
If I had walked into
that classroom the the fall of 1976, been instantly greeted by the
three girls that I so badly wanted to play with, if I had been accepted into
that little group, if I had become one of those cheerleaders, popular girls,
skinny girls, those girls that ran the school, one of those girls that fit in,
if I had become part of the World, I may never have cried out and sought
comfort. I may have missed out on what God had been planning for me all along.
Sometimes it's
lonely, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone
else. But the real truth is that I'm glad I don't fit in. I'm glad that I'm
different. I'm glad that God called me
and set me apart to do His work.
The world
would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer
part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.
John 15:19 NLT
