Randomimty

Tonight, I feel pretty random. Here are some things I like and some things I don't like.

• I don't like the word "threw" it always looks like it's spelled wrong.
• I don't like the phrase "It is what it is" to me that's like saying "who gives a crap, there's  nothing you or anyone else can do about it."
• I like the word "next" Kevin James did a bit on it, Next is full of possibility, because it's what is next, and you always know when it's going to happen....next!
• I used to like to spell humor and color as if I were British (humour & colour). I like to think I'm a bit less pretentious now, but probably not.
• I like the way my cat's fur feels in her armpits (do cat's have armpits?) anyway, it's very soft.
• I don't like dolls, they are frightening and there is a remote possibility that they come to life and do things. I don't know how remote or exactly what they do, so I just leave them alone.
• I like when people start to say a word, but then either change their mind or combine it with the word they're going to say next. Then you say the new word a few times because it's funny and embarrassing.
• I don't like tiny dogs. It's fine if you do, I don't think less of you, I just don't see the point.
• I do like dogs with big huge fluffy white paws, the kind that would cover your whole face if they were to step on your head. I don't know why the dog would step on your head, but rest assured that your entire face would be covered by dog paw.
• I really like ocelots, peregrine falcons, wolves, and hummingbirds.
• I hate the word "moist"
• I like when I have a bag of peanut M&Ms in a drawer at work, eat them all over the course of a week (an hour) and then forget that I had them, but then two months later when I'm looking for a pen that works, I find a random red M&M under a pile of post it notes and markers. Not that it's ever happened yesterday.
• I like the way the lawn fertilizer isle smells at home improvement stores.
• I don't like when I think I'm being funny and someone I barely know points out that I'm really just gossiping. I don't like it even more that she's right.
• I like that random people call me out when I'm a hypocrite. Sometimes I get caught up in the funny and don't stop to think about what I'm really saying or what I'm saying says about me.
• I like to get personal mail, real mail delivered into my mailbox by a letter carrier. 
• I don't like the phrase letter carrier, but 'mailman' is wrong, 'mailwoman' is awkward and 'postal worker' isn't any better.
• If I have something on my hands, I have to smell it, even if I know it's going to be gross. If I wash my hands and they still smell, I have to keep smelling them to remind me how gross they smell. If I have something dirty or toxic on my hands or fingers, I will eventually stick it in my eye.
• I can't drink anything out of a glass without smelling it first. I also smell books when I pick them up for the first time. I try not to do this if I'm at a bookstore because it looks like I'm licking them and I don't want the clerks to think I'm some crazy person randomly licking their books, that would be weird.
• Experts say that our memory is triggered strongest by our sense of smell. Every time I hear the stopwatch ticking from the beginning of 60 Minutes, I can smell my grandparents house, I also smell it when I hear the theme song to All in the Family.
• Sometimes, it takes me an hour to write an email if I really like the person I'm writing to. I want to make every joke hilarious, every serious thought perfectly conveyed, I want to be sure the person knows exactly how much I like them without ever saying anything about how much I like them. It once took me forty five minutes to respond to a friend that wrote "Hey! Wanna grab lunch?"
• I love the movie GO. I like dark, awkward comedies where you're not sure if the other people in the room are loving the movie as much as you are. Movies that fall into this category for me are: Napoleon Dynamite, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, GO, Drowning Mona, and Four Rooms. I think there are probably more...

Self-indulgent post

I feel like I need to write, but there's nothing in my head so I'll do a progress report on my still fresh resolutions.
Thus far (as of 7a.m.) I've lost 4 pounds. I exercised a bit, cut out some fat and sugar, passed on the Reese's cups one day, made my friend eat half the package the next (sorry April.)
I made plans to go to the gym at lunch time, this should not be an issue, I'm starting next week.
Writing Progress: I've written two and a half chapters of book one, figured out how to work in the Big Twist. Put the wheels in motion for the twist to happen and just need to schedule myself some quiet time so that I can get the words into the document.
The budget is written, and is getting tweaked as I figure out what it looks like in reality. Spreadsheets are fine, but ideal is not always possible.

Early morning God-time is going well, I never can remember why I end up quitting this one. My life is always better when I'm actively seeking, talking to, and listening to God. Bible study starts next week and it's a Beth Moore, so there's an automatic 30 minutes each day. I can't wait for it to start, I can't really explain the feeling, but if you've read my blog (or know me) you know I feel like an outsider most of the time. At bible study, I'm starting to feel like I fit in somewhere. Still not completely, but some things take time.
I just had a situation arise that I thought was going to ruin me. I was crushed and hurt and really, really, really mad. But I got a nice reminder that I'd been praying for some sort of shake-up in my life, and I felt really foolish that I didn't recognize it when it came. I guess it's easy to look at other people's lives and say "Oh silly, that's just God doing His work, how did you not see that?" or something equally lame, but when it happened to me, I didn't see it at all. I just saw that on the surface, it looked really bad for me, but after talking to a friend, my hubby, and my very brilliant son, it all clicked into place. I just needed to step back and see it for what it was - a new opportunity, just like I asked for.
I've got a new outlook, and things are really different already. So the God-time is not something that I'll abandon any time soon!
Asking for help is still the toughest, but I've got a few things going now that I can't do alone. Once again, I'm forced to do what I've asked to be able to do. I'll get better at it as time goes on.ou
So, other than the 3 day novel contest, which is in September, I think I'm doing really well.
How are your resolutions coming? Did you make any?

Confessions

This morning a friend is on my heart and in my prayers. I don't want to go into the details of the story, because it was told to me years ago in confidence. For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about it. Essentially, my friend made a decision, carried it out, and never told anyone. They carried a horrible secret for years and years. Something known only to them. The action was hard, the decision was perhaps the hardest ever made, but it was done and over and my friend was forever changed. 
What was on my heart this morning is that they went through the entire process alone. No friends, no family, no spouse or clergy were involved. The secret was tucked down inside, where it festered and became unbearable. 
During that conversation so many years ago, I remember the tears. I remember being upset that I had not been told at the time. I would have been there! I would have listened, helped, guided, whatever was needed, I would have done it. I was sick to my stomach that my friend had been so alone, by their own choice, they had never mentioned anything and then it was over, and it was just a secret.
What I also remember as clearly as if it was just yesterday is the immense relief my friend felt after finally being able to share the secret. It was obvious in their posture, their speech, I swear my friend even looked younger after getting it all out. A weight had lifted and a physical change took place.
My point to this is, my friend thought that they were alone, that no one would stand with them though the process. That they could get through it without help from anyone else. They were wrong. They lived with the decision for years and it ate away at their soul.
My friend was unable to share with me at the time, the reasons are a bit muddy. But the friend told me that as hard as the decision was, it was harder not to share it, it was harder to be so alone.

We are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to bear the burdens of this life by ourselves. I would encourage everyone to find a trusted friend, and unburden your hearts! Maybe you don't think there is anyone that you can trust, you can always go to God in prayer. 
I've changed my blog settings to allow for anonymous comments - unburden yourself here! 
I'll listen. 
I'd love to pray for you, even if you don't want to share the details, I'll pray for you. 
Don't carry the weight of a past mistake, or hurt, or decision. This is brand new year, a time when people all over the world are making a new start, trying to change, and move forward. Move forward by leaving the past in the past -