I'll Prop You Up

It’s been a long time friends. Writing is a funny thing. I write, because I love to write. Sometimes I have something to say, other times, not so much. But the goal of becoming a writer is to have other people read what I’ve written. Here’s the funny part. Once I found out that people were actually reading what I was writing, I was afraid to write. What if I come off as pretentious or smug? What if my words are wrong, or are taken out of context? What if my advice is way off the mark? What if…well, there are a million what-ifs? So I’ve decided to ignore all of them and just write. If I’m wrong, I guess I’m just wrong. 

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about lately. 

Exodus 17:8-13 (NIV)

8The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. 9Moses said to Joshua “Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands.”
10So, Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. 11As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword. 

Nice story right? Moses holds up his arms, the Israelites win. I think a lot of people would like to be Moses in this story. The power of God was right there and so obvious. Hands up and all is good, drop your hands and things go south in a hurry. My friends are Moses. I tend to find those people and stick them in my life. They like to be in charge. They like to be the ones in the spotlight. This is good for me. I love being around these people. Why? Because I’m Aaron or maybe Hur. Either way, I’m the arm proper-upper. I like that role, it suits me perfectly.

Take a second look at the story. Moses’ friends (I like to think they were friends) went up the hill with him. They knew this was going to be a shining moment for Moses. He was going to be getting some pretty heavy attention from God and from the soldiers. But Aaron and Hur went. I’d like to know if they were ordered by Joshua since he was the head of the army, or if Moses said, “Hey guys! Wanna stand up on that hill with me tomorrow? It’s going to be a long day and I’d love some company.” Maybe they volunteered. “Dude, you don’t want to stand up there all day by yourself. We’ll go with you so you don’t have to do it alone.”

However it happened, Aaron and Hur trudged up the hill. I’m sure Moses didn’t tell them exactly what was going on, but it would become clear soon enough. They could see the whole battlefield from on top of the hill. This makes me think that it wasn’t a “hill” it was probably halfway up a mountain. But they get up there, look down onto the battlefield and see two nations of men trying desperately to kill each other. Moses lifts up his hands, in one hand he’s holding a staff, I’m sure it gets heavy pretty quickly. Moses arms start to tremble a little, he’s getting shaky, and maybe Aaron forgot to bring the water and they’re all thirsty. Moses’ back starts to ache a little bit, and then it gets worse. The knowledge that he has to stand like this for the rest of the day probably plays on his mind. But look what happens: “When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat.” Nice. Maybe he told them to help out. But I like to think they were standing there, watching the battle, watching their friend and leader grow tired and shaky so they left his side, just for a minute, and found a stone for him to sit on. The stone they found wasn’t a big flat rock that could easily lift and carry over to to where Moses was standing. It was more likely a boulder; something around three feet tall or so, something that Moses could sit on it, but still see the battlefield. My friends, rocks are not any heavier today than they were then. Imagine seeing a boulder that is about waist high, thinking ‘this will work’ then moving it to where your friend is standing.  They bring the rock over and Moses sits. Relieved for the moment, I’m sure now that his sandal-clad feet didn’t have so much pressure on them. I can only imagine that Aaron and Hur remain standing, watching and waiting to help Moses again. Help is needed shortly after Moses sits, “Aaron and Hur held up his hands - one on one side, one on the other – so that his hands remained steady until sunset.” Until sunset. Aaron and Hur, tired from the climb up the mountain, sore and tired from moving that boulder, stand beside Moses, and hold up his arms so that God’s power can flow through them all and the Israelites can win the battle.

I love this little story. Moses and Joshua get most of the credit. God worked directly through Moses’ actions to allow Joshua to win the battle. But what if Moses had gone up alone? He wouldn’t have had the strength to stand there all day with his hands in the air, surely he would have dropped his arms and wept at his human weakness. He would have wept at the sight of his entire nation being slaughtered by the Amalekites. But, God provided two strong, loyal friends to stand beside Moses and help him do what God had commanded him to do. 

I’m like Aaron and Hur, I don’t mind putting my hands in the air when I have to. But I’d so much rather be the one standing next to you, holding your hands up in the air.

Randomimty

Tonight, I feel pretty random. Here are some things I like and some things I don't like.

• I don't like the word "threw" it always looks like it's spelled wrong.
• I don't like the phrase "It is what it is" to me that's like saying "who gives a crap, there's  nothing you or anyone else can do about it."
• I like the word "next" Kevin James did a bit on it, Next is full of possibility, because it's what is next, and you always know when it's going to happen....next!
• I used to like to spell humor and color as if I were British (humour & colour). I like to think I'm a bit less pretentious now, but probably not.
• I like the way my cat's fur feels in her armpits (do cat's have armpits?) anyway, it's very soft.
• I don't like dolls, they are frightening and there is a remote possibility that they come to life and do things. I don't know how remote or exactly what they do, so I just leave them alone.
• I like when people start to say a word, but then either change their mind or combine it with the word they're going to say next. Then you say the new word a few times because it's funny and embarrassing.
• I don't like tiny dogs. It's fine if you do, I don't think less of you, I just don't see the point.
• I do like dogs with big huge fluffy white paws, the kind that would cover your whole face if they were to step on your head. I don't know why the dog would step on your head, but rest assured that your entire face would be covered by dog paw.
• I really like ocelots, peregrine falcons, wolves, and hummingbirds.
• I hate the word "moist"
• I like when I have a bag of peanut M&Ms in a drawer at work, eat them all over the course of a week (an hour) and then forget that I had them, but then two months later when I'm looking for a pen that works, I find a random red M&M under a pile of post it notes and markers. Not that it's ever happened yesterday.
• I like the way the lawn fertilizer isle smells at home improvement stores.
• I don't like when I think I'm being funny and someone I barely know points out that I'm really just gossiping. I don't like it even more that she's right.
• I like that random people call me out when I'm a hypocrite. Sometimes I get caught up in the funny and don't stop to think about what I'm really saying or what I'm saying says about me.
• I like to get personal mail, real mail delivered into my mailbox by a letter carrier. 
• I don't like the phrase letter carrier, but 'mailman' is wrong, 'mailwoman' is awkward and 'postal worker' isn't any better.
• If I have something on my hands, I have to smell it, even if I know it's going to be gross. If I wash my hands and they still smell, I have to keep smelling them to remind me how gross they smell. If I have something dirty or toxic on my hands or fingers, I will eventually stick it in my eye.
• I can't drink anything out of a glass without smelling it first. I also smell books when I pick them up for the first time. I try not to do this if I'm at a bookstore because it looks like I'm licking them and I don't want the clerks to think I'm some crazy person randomly licking their books, that would be weird.
• Experts say that our memory is triggered strongest by our sense of smell. Every time I hear the stopwatch ticking from the beginning of 60 Minutes, I can smell my grandparents house, I also smell it when I hear the theme song to All in the Family.
• Sometimes, it takes me an hour to write an email if I really like the person I'm writing to. I want to make every joke hilarious, every serious thought perfectly conveyed, I want to be sure the person knows exactly how much I like them without ever saying anything about how much I like them. It once took me forty five minutes to respond to a friend that wrote "Hey! Wanna grab lunch?"
• I love the movie GO. I like dark, awkward comedies where you're not sure if the other people in the room are loving the movie as much as you are. Movies that fall into this category for me are: Napoleon Dynamite, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, GO, Drowning Mona, and Four Rooms. I think there are probably more...

Self-indulgent post

I feel like I need to write, but there's nothing in my head so I'll do a progress report on my still fresh resolutions.
Thus far (as of 7a.m.) I've lost 4 pounds. I exercised a bit, cut out some fat and sugar, passed on the Reese's cups one day, made my friend eat half the package the next (sorry April.)
I made plans to go to the gym at lunch time, this should not be an issue, I'm starting next week.
Writing Progress: I've written two and a half chapters of book one, figured out how to work in the Big Twist. Put the wheels in motion for the twist to happen and just need to schedule myself some quiet time so that I can get the words into the document.
The budget is written, and is getting tweaked as I figure out what it looks like in reality. Spreadsheets are fine, but ideal is not always possible.

Early morning God-time is going well, I never can remember why I end up quitting this one. My life is always better when I'm actively seeking, talking to, and listening to God. Bible study starts next week and it's a Beth Moore, so there's an automatic 30 minutes each day. I can't wait for it to start, I can't really explain the feeling, but if you've read my blog (or know me) you know I feel like an outsider most of the time. At bible study, I'm starting to feel like I fit in somewhere. Still not completely, but some things take time.
I just had a situation arise that I thought was going to ruin me. I was crushed and hurt and really, really, really mad. But I got a nice reminder that I'd been praying for some sort of shake-up in my life, and I felt really foolish that I didn't recognize it when it came. I guess it's easy to look at other people's lives and say "Oh silly, that's just God doing His work, how did you not see that?" or something equally lame, but when it happened to me, I didn't see it at all. I just saw that on the surface, it looked really bad for me, but after talking to a friend, my hubby, and my very brilliant son, it all clicked into place. I just needed to step back and see it for what it was - a new opportunity, just like I asked for.
I've got a new outlook, and things are really different already. So the God-time is not something that I'll abandon any time soon!
Asking for help is still the toughest, but I've got a few things going now that I can't do alone. Once again, I'm forced to do what I've asked to be able to do. I'll get better at it as time goes on.ou
So, other than the 3 day novel contest, which is in September, I think I'm doing really well.
How are your resolutions coming? Did you make any?

Confessions

This morning a friend is on my heart and in my prayers. I don't want to go into the details of the story, because it was told to me years ago in confidence. For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about it. Essentially, my friend made a decision, carried it out, and never told anyone. They carried a horrible secret for years and years. Something known only to them. The action was hard, the decision was perhaps the hardest ever made, but it was done and over and my friend was forever changed. 
What was on my heart this morning is that they went through the entire process alone. No friends, no family, no spouse or clergy were involved. The secret was tucked down inside, where it festered and became unbearable. 
During that conversation so many years ago, I remember the tears. I remember being upset that I had not been told at the time. I would have been there! I would have listened, helped, guided, whatever was needed, I would have done it. I was sick to my stomach that my friend had been so alone, by their own choice, they had never mentioned anything and then it was over, and it was just a secret.
What I also remember as clearly as if it was just yesterday is the immense relief my friend felt after finally being able to share the secret. It was obvious in their posture, their speech, I swear my friend even looked younger after getting it all out. A weight had lifted and a physical change took place.
My point to this is, my friend thought that they were alone, that no one would stand with them though the process. That they could get through it without help from anyone else. They were wrong. They lived with the decision for years and it ate away at their soul.
My friend was unable to share with me at the time, the reasons are a bit muddy. But the friend told me that as hard as the decision was, it was harder not to share it, it was harder to be so alone.

We are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to bear the burdens of this life by ourselves. I would encourage everyone to find a trusted friend, and unburden your hearts! Maybe you don't think there is anyone that you can trust, you can always go to God in prayer. 
I've changed my blog settings to allow for anonymous comments - unburden yourself here! 
I'll listen. 
I'd love to pray for you, even if you don't want to share the details, I'll pray for you. 
Don't carry the weight of a past mistake, or hurt, or decision. This is brand new year, a time when people all over the world are making a new start, trying to change, and move forward. Move forward by leaving the past in the past -

She Never Speaks

An experimental fiction

 She never speaks. Poor thing. She won’t give you any trouble at all. Just check on her at least once an hour and make sure she’s ok.

Is she retarded?

We don’t use that word here. It upsets the patients’ families. As far as we know, she has no mental deficiencies. But she’s traumatized and just won’t come out of it.

What happened to her?

Oh, that’s a story for another time. Let me show you the rest of the ward. You’ll have your hands full soon enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good they’re gone! I didn’t want them to see me talking to you. I got you some pudding from the lunch room. Do you want it? Come on it’s your favorite. At least I like to think it’s your favorite. It’s my favorite. Do you care if I eat it? I mean, I stole it and all and if you’re not going to eat it, I might as well.

What are you doing in there? I told you yesterday to leave that girl alone and if you don’t stop stealing pudding from the lunchroom we’re going to lock you in your room!

Bye! I’ll see you tomorrow – maybe vanilla then.

GO! Do I have to pick you up and carry you out of here?

Ah we’re alone. You know, you’re pretty. Or you would be if you weren’t stupid. I wonder what you think about all day while you stare out that window. Probably nothing. Just another retard waiting to die.

We need you downstairs. Mrs. Tate has fallen out of her wheelchair again and I need another person to help me lift her.

Poor lady, I’ll be right down. Until tonight my beauty. I’ve been waiting all month for this night. I’ll be the only one here. They finally trust me enough to leave me in charge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How are you feeling today? You look well. Nice color in your cheeks. I see you got a shower. You have such pretty hair. Do you mind if I brush it? My daughter used to love it when I brushed her hair. It wasn’t thick like yours, but it was just as pretty.
She liked for me to braid it. I never did a very good job I’m afraid, but it was fun just the same. I miss her so much. She just doesn’t have time to visit. I know she doesn’t like to bring the kids here either. They’re so young and they don’t really know what’s going on.
Maybe someday they’ll let me out, maybe I could take you with me. Would you like that? I could fix you a nice room right upstairs. I still have a house you know? It’s small, but it’s just me so I don’t need much. There would be plenty enough room for you too. Oh how I wish I knew if you understood. I won’t leave here without you.

Ms. Naomi, you needs to go back to your own room.

I’m not hurting anyone, I’m visiting with my friend here. Her hair was a rat’s nest from where someone washed it but didn’t brush it out. I’m just visiting.

Ma’am you needs to go back to your room. You knows we don’t allow no unsupervised visits with other patients.

Well. You stay with us then. I’m not doing anything wrong. Sit on the bed here until I get her hair untangled, then we can both go.

You know I don’t have time…oh alright, just a minute though. I’m on duty and if I get caught slacking I’ll hear about it all night.

Thank you. I’ll have my daughter bring you some cookies next time she’s up. I know how you love her little tea cookies.

Oh! Those are my favorites. I love them little cookies. When you think she commin’ again?

It’s hard to say. Maybe for Christmas. I know she’ll have some time off of work then.

How come you waste your time with this here gal? You know she don’t know one thing that’s goin’ on. She’s all locked up tight in that head of hers.

Oh I don’t know. I don’t have anything better to do and I think she knows we’re here. I think she likes the company.

Well, I don’t know about none of that but if I was her, I’d never talk either. I’da killed myself long before now.

You know her story?

Most of it anyway. I can’t tell you though on account of you bein’ a patient here. We ain’t allowed to talk about private information with anyone, especially not patients.

Well, that’s OK. I’d like to know what happened to her. But I don’t want you to get into trouble. Maybe someday she’ll be able to tell me herself.

Doubt it. She got hurt real bad. Seen some stuff no one should ever see. I hope she don’t never remember.

OK. Her hair’s pretty as a picture. Let’s go see if there’s any ice cream left.

Yep, I hope she don’t remember.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got you some ice cream. You don’t want it? Here, let me feed you. I’ve never seen you eat, but you have to eat right? I mean, otherwise you’d be dead. Here, just take a little bite. There! It’s good right? Want more? You just tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you. You know, they say you’re retarded or something. But I can see in your eyes that you ain’t stupid. There’s a light. It got brighter with the ice cream. But it’s cold too…but I know, you know. I can tell.

You need to leave now. It’s time for her medication. You know you’re not supposed to take food out of the dining room. Were you feeding her? This is a patient, not your pet. Don’t let me catch you feeding her again. What if she’s allergic to something and you kill her? Did you think of that? Please go now. And no more food.

Fine, I’ll go back to my room but you people have to feed her. Maybe that’s why she can’t talk, she’s starving to death.

Goodnight.
Oh, hello Naomi. Come to say goodnight?

Yes, thank you nurse.
Goodnight sweetheart. I’ll come visit tomorrow. Maybe if it’s nice we can walk around the gardens?

I don’t know if they’ll let you take her out of the hospital. Why would you want to anyway? She don’t know what’s going on.

Well, she’s company anyway, and at least she doesn’t interrupt me! Ha ha. Goodnight nurse!

Goodnight Naomi. I’ll leave a message for the day nurse that you want to take her for a walk outside. We’ll see that she says.

Time for you meds kiddo. Let me help you into bed. Naomi made your hair really pretty.             
Just a little pinch. Sorry, I know it stings, but it’ll help you sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

…awake? It don’t matter anyhow. I don’t care if you’re awake or asleep, or hell, even dead. Don’t get any ideas pretty lady, you just lay here. Your skin is so soft. Must be what a baby feels like. So warm. You don’t even know your own name do you dummy? That’s ok. Here touch this. Hold it. HOLD IT YOU BITCH! Fine that’s not gonna work. Oh you are awake. Good, kiss me. mmm you don’t even put up a fight. Not much of a kisser though. That’s OK I can teach you. We’ll have plenty of time together now that I work nights.
You’re so soft, so soft, I love your hair. Am I squishing you? I don’t really care. You like that and you know it. It’d be nice if you’d move, but that’s ok, I just need you for a second. Just…one…more…second.

I guess I don’t have to tell you not to tell anyone about this because you’re so far gone you don’t even know what happened. But if you decide to open up, just know that I won’t think twice about cutting your pretty little head right off of your shoulders. I hope you understand. I have a wife and what would the kids think?
See you tomorrow night princess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you awake? I smell cologne. Are you ok? Your face is wet. You’ve been crying. Can I lay with you? I hate sleeping in my room. My roommate has night terrors and they won’t give her anything to make her go to sleep. She screams all night long and the shadows bother me because they want to go to sleep too. Don’t cry. Maybe they’ll let me change rooms and be your room mate. I wonder why you always get a room alone? You’d be a good roomie, you never make any noise and I could sleep all night for once. Wake me up before the nurse comes in. I’ll get shocked again if they find me in the wrong room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You must be a light sleeper. It’s not even dawn yet and here you sit, staring out the window. What’s so interesting out there anyway? Squirrels? I got a note that Naomi wanted to take you for a walk outside. The doctor won’t be here today, it’s Saturday you know, but he never said you couldn’t go walk around, so I guess you can go.
Would you even like that? Do you want to go outside? Maybe we’ll put you in a wheelchair so Naomi can just push you around. At least you’ll get some fresh air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Breakfast was good. Did you eat dear? You need to eat. You look different today. Something has changed in your face. Let me get closer. I wish you’d just tell me what’s wrong. What happened to you, you poor thing!

You gonna kiss her?

OH! Nurse! You scared me. Ha ha, I wasn’t kissing her, I was trying to look into her eyes. She seems sad today.

She always seems sad to me. Never talking, just sitting and staring off into space. I don’t think she even knows she’s on the planet.

Oh, she knows. There’s a light in her eyes. Normally I can see it, but something’s wrong today. Maybe the fresh air will perk her up. Will you hold the elevator door for us? Do you think we need jackets?

No, it’s really nice outside. Make sure to come back in before lunch, the afternoon nurse won’t know where she’s gone to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s a lovely day dear. Let’s walk over by the pond. You know, I don’t mind pushing you in this wheelchair, but you can walk if you’d like. I can help you. No? OK. Well maybe later.

There are lots of fish in this pond. My husband used to fish all of the time before he got sick. We had a pond out back, but it’s been dried up for years now. I used to wonder where all the fish went when a pond went dry. I still don’t know. But I never saw any dead fish after the water was gone. It was just a big mud puddle for the longest time. One year I bought wild flower seeds and threw them all over the mud, now it’s the prettiest flower garden you ever saw. I hope you get to see it one day. I hope I get to see it again.

My daughter is coming to visit me in three weeks. She called this morning before breakfast. Funny, I was talking to your nurse just last night about asking my daughter to make her some tea cookies. She, my daughter not the nurse, said she’d be happy to make them. She’s bringing my grandbabies too. I can’t wait to see them. Do you remember them? Oh, I don’t think you were here the last time they visited. Let’s see. You came in March, I remember because the tulips were blooming and they were so pretty that year. That was what, two years ago? Three? I’ll have to ask someone.

Anyhow, I have two grandchildren, Jacob and Tyler; they are nine and ten respectively. They don’t even know me, I’ve been in this damn hospital for most of their lives. I’m not crazy you know? I’m not. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else, but I’m certainly not a danger to anyone. I’d never hurt anyone, or myself either. What happened was an accident. I couldn’t stop it. It wasn’t my fault. I never meant to kill her. I want you to know that, even if no one else ever believes me, I want you to know that. I didn’t mean for her to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I brought you some more ice cream. Strawberry this time, I hope you like it. Here, take a bite. See? It’s good right? I had two bowls earlier, I wanted more but they wouldn’t let me have it. I had to wait until they weren’t looking to get yours. You ok? You seem different today. That’s funny ain’t it? You never talk or do anything but you seem different. Can I come back and sleep in your room again tonight? I won’t hog the covers I promise.

Are you in here again? You gotta quit feeding this girl. If you make her sick, I gotta clean it up. Look, I know we all feel sorry for her, but we feed her three meals a day. She gets enough food. Maybe if she wants something sweet bad enough, she’ll ask for it.

But she likes the ice cream, I put in her mouth and she seems happy. I ain’t hurtin her none. She’s just a girl and girls like ice cream. Just trying to bring her some happy.

Well, you need to stop, if you want to visit, that’s fine. But no more food. And when you visit, you need to have someone with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you enjoy the fresh air? That Naomi sure has taken a liking to you. That’s nice that you have a friend now. Tara likes you too but I’m afraid she’s gonna make you fat giving you all those sweets. She’s basically harmless though. Would you like to lie down? I could give you something to help you sleep. Maybe a nice nap before dinner? No? OK well, I’ll check on you a little later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s time for dinner. Do you want to eat in your room or would you like go to the dining room with your friends? You know, I think some company would do you good. Staring out the window all day can’t be good for your mind. Or your eyes for that matter. Probably better than staring at a computer screen though. Ok, have it your way, we’ll eat in here. Let’s see, you got peas n’ carrots, turkey and dressing, and it ain’t even Thanksgiving. The cooks must be feeling festive today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahh hello there my sweet thing. I know you’re awake. I know you’re waiting for me. I missed you today. I thought about you this afternoon when I was with my wife. She’s much prettier than you but she wants to do things her way. Sometimes I like to do things my way. I’m going to roll you over now. See, that’s nice. Not even a whimper. There’s a good girl.

I’ll be back tomorrow. Maybe later tonight if I can slip away. You keep your stupid mouth shut. Ha ha! What a joke. You are nothing. You know that right? Just a lump of meat. One kiss before I go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m back again. Why are you still awake? Something’s wrong with you, what is it. Your bed is wet. I’m going to turn on the light. Oh! That’s blood. Why are you bleeding? That’s blood. That’s blood. I don’t like blood. Stop bleeding stop stop stop I can’t sleep here stop bleeding!

What’s all the noise in here? Why are you in here? You are not allowed of your room after lights out. YOU KNOW THAT! I’m going to report you tomorrow so that you’ll get another shock. You like the shocks right? You have five seconds to get out of my sight!

And you! I don’t know what that idiot knows but she better not know nothing you hear me? I’m going to get you cleaned up and then you’re getting a shot. A double dose tonight bitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning Sunshine! Hey, how come you’re not out of bed yet? I’ve got your breakfast. Bacon and eggs today. Naomi asked to take you out again, it’s going to be a beautiful day today. I thought you two could eat lunch on the deck. I might just join you. Hey, sleepy head, it’s time to get up. You’re really out aren’t you? I’ll come back in an hour or so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You up yet kiddo? No? That’s not right. Are you getting sick? Well, you don’t look sick. No fever. Ah there’s some movement. Wanna get up now? I brought your breakfast again, I heated it up in the microwave so at least it’ll be warm for you. Come on now up we go. Why so groggy this morning huh? Did they give you your medicine too late? I’ll have to speak to the guy on nights. He seems like such a nice guy. Maybe he’s just having a hard time getting into the routine.
Here let’s eat and then we’ll get you dressed.
Oh, I see you’re spotting just a bit, I didn’t know you still, well, you know, still had those.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning. The nurse said she didn’t think you were feeling too hot this morning. You do look a little pale. Oh why can’t you just tell me? I want to help you, you just have to tell me how.

Hello nurse. Are you going to call the doctor in? I think our girl here is really sick. She has no color and her eyes are dull. She’s so lethargic.

I called that doctor just now. He wants me to draw some blood so they can test it. I guess maybe he thinks she’s got some virus. You can stay if you wants to.

Yes, I’ll stay. She seems so lonely. It just breaks my heart. Must be the mother in me.

I knows just what you mean. I cain’t help but be sorry for her m’self. They tells us not to pay no mind to the patients. Just do what you is supposed to do an move on, but I cain’t hardly do that. Y’all is people too. Just people with problems bigger than you can handle.

Have you seen Tara this morning? She wasn’t at breakfast and I didn’t see her in her room.

Now, I ain’t seen her, but I heard she’s upstairs. I reckon she took to a fit last night and it was all that great big ol’ man nurse could do to control her. He said she was sleepin’ in here with your friend. Oh, now, you knows I ain’t supposed to be tellin’ you all this!

I understand, I won’t repeat it. I was just worried. I don’t think Tara can take too many more shocks. It takes her longer to recover each time. Last time, that was, oh I don’t know for sure, maybe six months ago. It took her nearly two full weeks to get back to where she could walk right. I didn’t think she’d ever quit drooling though.

Don’t you worry yourself none about that now. The doctors know what they’re doing. When Tara takes a fit, she’s liable to hurt someone and we cain’t have that. We gots to shock her to get her to calm down some and be reasonable.

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Well,  I don’t think you’re getting sick, so that’s good. It looks to me like the nurse that gave you your medicine last night forgot to write it on your chart and the overnight nurse thought you hadn’t gotten it yet. So, I guess the worst that happened was you got a really good night’s sleep. The effects should wear off soon and you’ll be back to normal in no time. They told me you’d started menstruating, there’s no sense being in pain when you don’t have to be. I’ve prescribed a pain killer and another pill that will help with any cramps, just let the nurse know if you want to take them.

Nurse, I want to speak to whomever was supposed to be taking care of this young lady last evening and on the overnight shift. They’re damn lucky she has no family and can’t talk. Do you have any idea how much trouble we can get into by over medicating a patient? With all these damn civil liberties nut jobs running around it’s wonder we’re ever still open.

Yes sir, I’ll let them know. The night guy don’t come in till after dinner tho, I can have him call you.

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Hello my sweet princess. Thank you for not telling them. I thought I was in trouble, but they just told me to be more careful with the medicines. I promised them that I would.

I think I just want to cuddle tonight. You’re so warm and soft. My wife’s feet are cold all of the time and it really bothers me. I’m sorry I had to have your crazy friend shocked. I’ve heard around the halls that they went a little too far and they don’t think she’s going to come out of it this time. They’ve moved her upstairs permanently, so I guess no more sweets for you.

Cuddling is so boring. Are you bored? How’s this? That feels nice right? See, I’m not so bad. A little romance, a little foreplay. And now it’s down to business. I know you like it or else you’d say something. Just say the word and I’ll stop. No? Good.

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Oh good you’re awake. I can’t believe the doctor said you weren’t sick. There’s something wrong with you and I want to know what it is. I overheard some nurses talking this morning. Tara’s not coming back. They fried her brain. It’s just awful. She didn’t deserve that. No one does. They stuck her in the room with Melba, she screams all night long. If a person wasn’t crazy to begin with, they certainly would be after spending a few nights with her.

I wanted to take you outside again. Would you like to go for a walk. They let me borrow this wheelchair again so I can push you around like last time. Here, let me help you up. Come on sweetie, let’s go get some fresh air. Up you go. Please? Just get into the chair. We can get lunch and take it out on the deck. It’s so pretty outside, the flowers are all in full bloom and you can smell the lilacs. They’re my favorite, they seem to fill the air, make it thick somehow.

There’s a girl. We’ll grab some lunch trays and have the nurse help us out to the deck with them. Today’s menu is Salisbury steak or fish sandwiches.

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How’s your steak dear? You haven’t eaten much. Oh nurse, would you bring us another knife? She’s dropped hers and it’s gone between the slats of the deck. I don’t know how they cook Salisbury steak to the point where you need a knife, but it’s as tough as shoe leather. And these flimsy plastic things aren’t worth the powder to blow them up.

Thank you dear.
After you finish eating, maybe we can walk around the pond again. I like to see the fish jump. It reminds me of happier times.

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I heard Naomi got you to go outside again. You’ve even got a little color on you cheeks. Good for you. I brought you some dinner. Sorry but it’s the fish sandwiches that no one wanted at lunch time. I don’t know why they keep serving them, there isn’t one person in this whole building that likes fish sandwiches.

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Ok, I’ll be back in just a little while to give your medicine, would you like the television on? No? Well, OK see you in about an hour.

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Helllloooooo? Are you awake? I’m gonna have to make this short. It’s a full moon tonight so everyone is just a bit crazier than normal. You’ve been so good to me. I’ll be off for a couple of days. I’ll miss you. My wife is making me take her and the kids to the lake. Maybe they’ll let me check you out and take you with us. That’d be a hoot! I think my wife might get into it once she sees how pretty you are. And it’s not even like you’re a real person. You’re like a very realistic doll. But so much better. Ah…yes…so…much…better!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m sorry. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I know

But, where were you?

I was here all along

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I just don’t understand it. How could someone kill themselves with a plastic butter knife?

Welcome 2012 - I'm glad you're here!

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. 

At least I haven't in the last 30 or so years. I think they're silly and just another way to measure my failures. See, I start off with a bad attitude, so there's no way I can succeed anyway right?

This year, I'm going to start making them again. I don't like the way I live my life. 

Don't misread that; I love my life. I don't like how I live it.

I waste time.

I procrastinate.

I whine.

I complain.

I wish things were different, but don't take the steps to change.

This is all my fault - really it is - I live my life the nice, easy, lazy way. I don’t take on obligations that are outside of my comfort zone (read: that take effort on my part).

I don't make waves, I go with the flow, I drift along. 

And all the time I think, "I wish I would have _________." Fill in the blank with a million things.

-written my book

-not eaten that XXXXX

-changed my oil when I had time

-gone to the grocery rather than taking a nap

-washed dishes

-exercised when I got up an hour early

-gotten up an hour early

The list could go on for days, but the bottom line for every item I list is that I should just get up and do things.

Setting realistic goals is no problem for me. I set them all of the time, but the part I shy away from is accountability.

If I set a goal to lose 2 pounds a week, and don't tell anyone, who cares? I can eat, and be lazy, and never exercise, and no one's the wiser.

I don't like to tell people my goals for exactly that reason. I don’t want people to know that I've failed. Or worse yet, to call me out for not sticking to my plan.

Well, no more. 

I'm going to publish my "resolutions" for 2012.

Feel free to call me out and make me stick to the plan. Hold me accountable for the  stuff I mess up on, but remember, I'm human - and a big baby, so I'm likely to pout about it, but I'll get over it because I know you're just trying to help.

1. I'm going to drop 2 pounds a week - for a total of 105 pounds this year
1. Side note, if I drop 105 pounds from where I am right now, I'll be able to slide under a door, so this is an average, taking into account that I'll most likely gain a few here and there.  My real number is 75 pounds from where I am right now.
2. I'm going to eat well - cutting out a lot of fast food, most fried crap, a lot of starches, and a lot of pop. (Notice please that I have not committed to cutting out ALL of anything, that's not realistic.) I also need to cut out as much candy as I can without going completely insane. I refuse to picture a world where I cannot have a handful of gummy worms occasionally.
3. I'm going to exercise -yep, it's down on virtual paper now, I'm committed. Exercise! I have everything I need to actually exercise. I just need to get off the couch. I have a gym membership, I have weights, a treadmill, a gazelle, resistance bands, an 8 pound medicine ball, a bicycle, push up handles, a chin up bar, shoes, a wheel of death, a weight bench, 874 work out DVDs, Netflix, a Wii Fit with both Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus.

2. I'm going to finish writing both of my books
1. Book one is currently titled Mac and Murder and I wrote 1/2 of it for a contest. I've gotten 2/3rds or more completed. If I win the contest it will need to be totally complete so that it can be published. If I don't win, I am thinking of self-publishing.
2. Book two has no working title, but is actually the first book in my series about Mac Cartwright  - Mac works in a used bookstore somewhere in Ohio, when she finds her boss in a bloody heap in the back room she finds herself next on the murder's hit list. Mac and her friend Edie have to dodge the bad guy before he kills them both.

3. I'm going to enter the 3 Day Novel Contest in September (again) but this time I will finish a complete novel
4. I'm going to create and stick to a budget
5. I'm going to set aside 20 to 30 minutes of quiet/God time each day
6. Perhaps the hardest item on the list: I'm going to ask for help when I need it, not just with this stuff, but everywhere in my life.

Would you like to join me? Life is not about being alone, we were created for relationships. We are hardwired to work together to get it done. One of my favorite services from church was a series called Boulders and Backpacks. The sweetened condensed version is that we all have issues, trials and troubles in our lives, some are backpacks, they are personal and need to be carried by the owner - you carry your own and you don't carry other people's. In this way, we learn and grow from our own personal things. By not carrying other people's backpacks, you let them learn and grow and you don't get overwhelmed with trouble that isn't yours.

On the other hand, we also have boulders. These are situations that are specifically meant to be shared, we are supposed to help each other carry a part of the boulder so that we're not crushed by trying to carry it alone. By sharing our boulders, we strengthen our relationships with other people and grow.

Individual resolutions are backpacks, ultimately, we each have to shoulder the burden of getting them accomplished, or living with the consequences of not getting them done.

But the whole process is a boulder -we need to help each other with the boulders of accountability, the celebrations of success and the helpful nudging  that gets us back on track when we slip.

Thankful

I just wanted to jump on here for a second and empty some of what is in my head.

I don't have anything particularly brilliant or insightful today, I just wanted to say how thankful I am for my life and everyone in it.

On the news this morning, they were chatting back and forth about the holidays and whether or not people were ready. They mentioned that someone had posted on Facebook, that her family had already celebrated; the gifts were exchanged and all of the relatives had gone back home. The anchor woman said, "Wow it must be nice to be done with it already." I know that she probably didn't mean that the way it sounded, but it made me a little sad.

I love the anticipation of the holidays! 

Sure it's busier, but that just means that I have people in my life that I love, and love me back. 

Yeah, I'm pretty cash-poor this time of year, but I happily spend my last dime to get that perfect gift. Or stay up late to make that last batch of cookies. Or stand at the stove and stir until I think my arm might just pop off so that I can give away some caramels.

I don't like shopping, I don't like the bitter side of me that pops out when I think that people are taking advantage of everyone's holiday spirit. But I'm trying not to focus on that. And I certainly don't want the holidays to be over! As many of you know, I celebrated my birthday for a grand total of 7 weeks - I'm a celebration kind of gal.

At church this past weekend, our pastor, who lost both parents in a very short time, said that he remembered talking with his folks, or visiting them, and rather than treasuring that time together, he found himself thinking of things he needed to do later, and when he could leave or get off of the phone. He ended by saying that there were so many things that he would now give up, just to have one more conversation with either of them.

I know exactly how he feels. Exactly.

It's so easy to get caught up in our lives, and forget that there is someone standing right next to us, someone that won't be there forever, might not be there next year, or might even be taken away tomorrow.

As you're running around trying to figure out exactly how much time you have to spend here or there, take a second to remember why you're spending time where ever you are. Instead of thinking about when you can politely leave, forget about yourself and enjoy the company.

Merry Christmas to all of my family and friends!

I may not always be able to show it or say it, but I love you all and I'm thankful that you're a part of my life.

I don't believe in making New Year's Resolutions, but if I did, mine would be that I would be exactly the friend that you need me to be, and that I'd never be too busy to tell you that I love you.

Susie!!!