Comments

Why do we feel so compelled to comment on everything we read? I am "friends" on facebook with some relatively famous people - not that they'd ever be able to pick me out of a crowd or ever read anything I post. But I feel connected to a few people with a bit of celebrity status. 
One of these friends posted a question yesterday about, well, basically nothing. Within an hour, she had 181 comments. Then she posted another status update about how many replies she'd received, that post got an additional 40 or 50 comments.
I get it, i find myself commenting on things that I only have a minor opinion about. Things like my Nook Color eReader. The article had nothing to do with me, I just happen to love my shiny toy.
I comment on comments that disturb me, comments I think are funny. I comment on articles about things I know nothing about, and articles I know a lot about. I think I just want someone to agree with me, or maybe argue with me. Maybe I just want to be heard, even if what someone hears is silly.
I think we all want validation in one form or another. With the prevalence of social media, we crave it even more. Validation can be almost immediate and while that sounds like a good thing, I'm not so sure. 
When we seek validation from others, we are saying "love me" "understand me" "look at me" and at the heart of it all is a five year old child looking for attention. We all know that children crave attention. They just want someone to notice them. If they can't get the warm and fuzzy attention everyone desires, they'll settle for negative attention. I've never met an adult that doesn't understand this concept when discussing children. But do we apply it to ourselves? To other adults?
Look at our entertainment industry and you'll get your answer. We want to be heard to the point of self-destruction. 
My last song was good, but now I need to go to rehab. (feel sorry for me)
My last movie was number one for two weeks, I need some cocaine. (celebrate with me)
My first nine wives were all tramps, but number ten is going to be the one! (love me)
I'm not getting the offers I used to, maybe if I put myself out there more - I'll start doing full nudity. (look at me)
I'll start partying more. (surround me)
I'll date more guys/women. (fulfill me)
I'll leave my wife/husband. (miss me)

While there may not be semi-nude pictures of most of us in a national paper, sometimes our Facebook status and tweets and comments scream just as loud "Someone Love Me!!"

There is only one that will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. Just one, but He loves you with an unexplainable, undeniable, passionate, jealous love. 
Sometimes, that is really hard to accept. 
Sometimes that is really hard to feel.
Look for people in your life that accept you as you are, even when you avoid Facebook like the plague. Even when you don't feel like you have anything worthwhile to tweet. Even when you don't think you can take another day of your life. 
God has placed people in your life that will give you just a glimpse of what His love is all about. When you find those people, hang on for all you're worth, but never forget that they are people, just like you. 

They are not a reflection of your value, they cannot fill that void, they cannot ever validate you.
That is a task set for God alone.

 

I'm a different kind of person

I'm a different kind of person.

I noticed it in Kindergarten. At the tender age of 5, I knew I was not like the other kids. And the other kids knew it too. I remember the first day of school like it was yesterday, although, at the time I don't think I realized its significance. 

The school was very close to my home, two blocks away and visible from the front porch. I was a "walker" and so were most of the children that would be sharing the three or four hours each weekday afternoon with.

That first day I was very excited, I had already met my teacher at the "are you ready to attend Kindergarten" meeting the week before. That's where you go to the school and people ask questions like "Do you know the alphabet?" "How high can you count?" back then (1976) the only real requirement, was that you could tie your shoes. Somehow, shoe tying ability equated to elementary school readiness. 

I entered the room, my mom left. I was never one of those clingy kids. My parents joked that I kept an overnight bag packed 24-7, just in case I was invited to a sleepover. The room was a normal 1970's classroom. Toys, art supplies, half inch foam mats for nap time, books, and my favorite; The Letter People. If you don't know them, you've missed out. The Letter People had their own show on PBS, they were all shaped like a letter and looked like their sound (like Mr. T and his Tall Tall Teeth)...you can check them out on YouTube,  I'm sure.

Anyway, the room was already filled with kids, everyone paired up and looking the toys and games. Finding new friends and establishing the cliques that would carry us through graduation.

There are a few things that stand out from that day. I was not late to class, but I was one of the last to arrive. I didn't know anyone in my class, but everyone there seemed to have already been friends for years. Have you ever been invited to a party and you didn't want to go because you didn't know anyone, but your friend says "don't worry, I'll be there, and no one else knows each other either - this is a getting to know you kind of deal. It'll be fun" but then your friend somehow doesn't show up and you're stuck at this party alone. Then you realize that everyone attending does know each other, and not only that but they've been friends for a while. There's just no room to add an additional friend. Sorry, maybe someone else will talk to you.

You may not have had that exact experience, but I bet you've felt something similar. Maybe the first staff meeting you attended in a new job or position, the other people have been working together for a while and you don't quite fit in just yet.

Maybe you've changed schools and experienced being the new kid for a while.

Kindergarten was like that, but I couldn't understand how on the first day of school - literally the first day of our school careers - everyone already knew where they belonged.

I remember sitting in my locker on that first day...our lockers were open wooden closets with coat  hooks and I was pretty tiny back then. I couldn't find anyone that would let me into their newly formed group, so I left.

The teacher found me later and did what all well-meaning adults do in those situations. She brought me back into the classroom and forced the other kids play with me. 

I still feel like that lost five-year-old. I still feel like that kid your parents made you play with. I simply don't belong. 

I have a theory about this though. Most Christian communities believe (and Scripture supports) that we are set apart. People that are called by God to do His work are "set apart." This means that those God has called are different from the rest of the world. I'm one of those people. I'm sure of it. We are supposed to live differently. If you've been to church -ever - you've probably heard "in the world but not OF the world." Simply put, this means while we have to live with an interact with worldly things and people, we are not supposed to put that stuff first. We are supposed to be above all of that, we are not supposed to want what the world says we should want. We are supposed to live for God and for furthering the Kingdom of God. I love that. It's wonderful in theory and the rewards promised are glorious. But tell that to a new Kindergartner that has just caught her first glimpse of what the next 13 years would look like. Tell that to the little girl crying in her locker because she just realized that no one is ever going to be her friend unless they're forced. Being set apart can look a lot like not fitting in.

As an adult, I still don't fit in. I don’t fit in at work, I'm just not the corporate type. I don't fit at church, which is odd because that is the one place you'd think I'd have it made. I don't fit in with other adults and I don't fit in with the kids. 

Now, don't feel sorry for me. I have a handful of amazing friends that I wouldn't trade for all of the "fitting-in" in the world. I have a loving, wonderful, perfect-for-me husband that treats me like a princess and our son is nothing less that a perfect gift from a loving God. I have an amazing life. I have rewards waiting for me in eternity. Blessings from the creator of everything that ever was or ever will be.

God knows my name, called me to join him and set me apart for His own purpose. He knew I'd answer His call. And He knew it would be hard for me, but He also knew that if it wasn't hard for me, I wouldn't know that I needed Him.

If I had walked into that classroom the the fall of 1976, been instantly greeted by the three girls that I so badly wanted to play with, if I had been accepted into that little group, if I had become one of those cheerleaders, popular girls, skinny girls, those girls that ran the school, one of those girls that fit in, if I had become part of the World, I may never have cried out and sought comfort. I may have missed out on what God had been planning for me all along. 

Sometimes it's lonely, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else. But the real truth is that I'm glad I don't fit in. I'm glad that I'm different. I'm glad that God called me and set me apart to do His work.

The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.

John 15:19  NLT

Friendship Application

It's been a while since I've written anything. This is mostly due to the fact that I really haven't felt like writing. And I can't think of anything important to say. I'm trying to learn to keep my mouth shut when nothing of value is going to come out of it...it's a long journey.

As most of you know, I think about friends and friendship a lot - probably too much. But human interactions fascinate me and I can't seem to focus on much else.

I thought it would be fun to create a "Best Friend Application". This was inspired by my son's girlfriend who presented him with an "Application to Date My Daughter" from her mother when they first started seeing each other. I thought it was very clever, and we had a blast filling it out. Most of his answers were inappropriate and untrue (I hope) but they were funny. The mother enjoyed them too - she must have because that was a few years ago and they're still dating.

That made me think about what kind of questions would go on this application and what sort of answers I'd like to see filled in.

I have a best friend (yeah I'm gushy and it's my husband) but I've never had much luck with 'girl' friends. Maybe I should have held open interviews and had them fill out applications!

I picture something like this:

Oh - if you're going to answer them...don't read ahead. 

1. Name
2. Birthday
3. How many friends do you have already
4. Do you have room for more
5. Are you just adding me to your posse
6. How many "best" friends have you had in your life
7. Do you have any really deep dark secrets that you'll share with me later
8. What's your favorite food
9. Do you drink
10. Do you smoke

11. How do you feel about God

12. How do you feel about how you feel about God
13. Dogs or cats
14. If I was in trouble, how late could I call you and expect you to answer the phone
15. Referring to question 14, if you picked up the phone, would you also come to my rescue

16. Referring to question 15, if you were to come get me, is there a mileage limitation (think pizza delivery area) or a cost limitation (think bail)

17. If you were in trouble, how late would you think is too late to call me

18. Referring to question 17, assuming you would call me, which call would I be (i.e. first, second...only after no one else picked up)

19. If we were out in public and I picked a fight with someone that could obviously kill me, what would you do

20. Same question as 19, but this time the other person picked the fight

21. Assuming there is only one solution to all of life's troubles, what is it

22. Are you a hugger

23. Do you think everything is funny eventually

24. If I told you to go away and leave me alone, would you
25. Referring to question 24, if you answered yes, would you come back
26. Favorite color
27. My favorite thing in the whole world is something you hate more than anything else in your life, do you still go with me
28. Referring to question 27, would you get mad at me if I won't do something you love but I hate
29. Do you have any current friends that I can talk to for references
30. If you have a fight with your spouse (or who ever) will I be expected to be mad at them too

31. Referring to question 30, when you get back together or make up, are you going to be mad at me for agreeing with you when you were mad

32. If I tell you I'm on a diet, what is your roll in that
33. My pet just died, what do you do
34. Your pet just died, what should I do

35. Most important trait in the people in your life

36. Why do want to be my friend

Vampires

                Halloween is my birthday. I love it so much that I embrace the entire month of October as my Birthday Month. It’s just who I am.

                As a child, I loved that my special day was a special day for what seemed like the whole world. I hated that it didn’t afford me the special powers required to turn my brother into a toad. Not that I didn’t try. I tried a lot!

                As I got older, I loved the Halloween specials on TV. I still watch It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown every year. I loved going to the stores and seeing the new costumes each year. The limited edition spooky packaging on everyday products that convinced me that they would taste sooo much better than the same items (in the boring, normal packaging) already at home that I refused to eat because I didn’t like them.

                I loved dressing up for Trick or Treat and Halloween parties at school. I always felt so special because it was like the whole country was dressing up to celebrate my birthday. Beggar’s Night was my favorite. I dressed up and went out for Trick or Treat until I was 18. When the adults would say I was too old, I’d say, “I know! But it’s my birthday, so I’m allowed.” And to their credit, everyone said “Happy Birthday!” and gave me candy.

                I still love candy, but now that I’m an “adult,” I just go to the store and buy it whenever I want. It’s not quite as fun, but that’s ok. Now, I hand out candy on Beggar’s Night. I love to see the littlest kids all dressed up and so shy.  I love that teenagers pretend they don’t want to go out, but everyone knows they really do. I love that grown men and women dress up, come to my porch and proceed to tell me that not only do they have the kid with them, a baby down on the sidewalk, but also twins at home that are only two weeks old so can they please have some extra candy for them?  I have two Trick or Treating rules, you have to be in costume and you have to say “Trick or Treat” otherwise you can go to Kroger and pay for your candy like everyone else.

                The ironic thing about my birthday being on the spookiest night of the year is the fact that I’m a huge chicken. I don’t like horror movies. I don’t read scary books anymore. I’m afraid of dolls, clowns, the dark, under my bed, the closet, the basement, the attic, goats, antique baby carriages, ghosts, and the devil. Ok, that’s not completely true. I’m not afraid of ghosts because I don’t believe they exist, at least not in the traditional Great-Uncle-Maxwell-has-unfinished-business-so-he’s-slamming-doors-and-cutting-the-lights kind of ghosts. I don’t believe in witches (Wiccans don’t be offended please, you know what I mean) I don’t think there are aliens that pretty much only appear on farms and in trailer parks, and don’t believe in bad luck. What I do believe in…vampires.

                Not the traditional Count Dracula or Nosferatu. Not the “I vant to suck your blood”, undead, allergic to sunlight, can’t cross running water, turn-into-a-bat, stake through the heart vampire. I believe in spiritual vampires. These are the people that drain the joy from our lives like it’s their job. These are people that are so unhappy with their own lives they simply cannot stand for someone else to be happy, even if it is their birthday month. These people are wrapped up in their own misery and to be near them is to put yourself into the gravitational pull of their misery.

                Knowing and identifying the emotional vampires in my life is relatively easy. These are the people that make me sleepy when I talk to them. They make me tired just to be around. My patience wears thin and I want to run away, but I’m helpless to move. I’m caught. I’m trapped in the mire of negativity and joylessness. My fear is that I’ll become one of them. If you’ve ever been around one, you know how easy it is to see life through those muck-colored glasses; to see the world as ugly and hateful and sad; to commiserate and even encourage the vampiric behavior; and then prey on other unsuspecting victims.

                Today, I made a choice. Not a good one, but I allowed it to happen, so for today I will deal with it, and tomorrow let it go. I allowed a vampire to cast a pall on my birthday month. To rob my joy for the day. I’ve been so proud of myself lately, I’ve been more up than down, more happy than sad. I’ve embraced and accepted joy that I normally would have pushed away. I’m learning to keep the joy for myself. This might sound selfish, but if you’ve ever had joy, you know that if you keep it, it just flows back out of you so that someone else can have it too.

                So, I’ve been basking in the light of joy, and I left it out in the open too long and I allowed a vampire to take it. Honestly, it’s not the vampire’s fault, it was mine. I should have guarded it more closely. I should have left it in the van for just a little while. Locked it in my heart and jealously guarded it until I was out of the vampire’s reach, but I foolishly thought maybe the vampire would want some of what I had. That’s the thing about vampires though, they do want what you have, but only so that they can destroy it so that no one else can have it and you can’t have it back. They don’t want joy in their lives because they don’t understand that it’s not a commodity to be owned, but a gift to be shared. I let this vampire come and steal the joy of my birthday month. I keep thinking about what perfect birthday month it’s been. I went out with some of my favorite people on Earth, we had a great time! I’ve been writing, my job is going well, my home life is awesome, I have the greatest kid on the planet and yet this stupid vampire took my joy and smashed it on the ground, and all I can do is think that maybe, just maybe, I’m more vampire than I thought. Maybe I attract the vampires because I am one.

                Tomorrow is my birthday. I have decided that if I am a vampire, tomorrow I will be reborn into something new. I will no longer allow the vampires in my life to control my joy. They will not pull me into their orbit; they will not steal from me and crush what is mine. I will not lose what I have because I allowed a vampire to have it.

               

               

Instant Gratification

I've been thinking a lot about instant gratification lately.

Our society is built on convenience and speed. We want everything to be right where we want it, when we want it there.

We can eat whatever we want, whenever we want and we are oblivious to the consequences. I want Taco Bell at four in the morning? Yeah, I can have that. I want to buy the latest Weird Al CD at 10:30 at night, sure no problem. The internet is open 24/7, granted, waiting for shipping is a pain, but I can order literally anything I want from the convenience of my couch without even getting dressed.

I can tell my followers what I am thinking at any given moment on any day. I can put something on my Facebook wall and within mere minutes see replies from a multitude of friends confirming my opinions. Laughing at my jokes. Sending me virtual love. It's awesome.

I can even see what the lead singer of my favorite band is up to. Bart Millard spends more time Tweeting and Facebooking than my teenage son. I feel like I know him personally. Which is nice. But I also know that I don't know him at all in any real sense.

So, what's the downside to all of this? You know there's a downside because you know me - there's always a downside.

The downside is that we don't know how to be patient. We can have anything we want day or night. We no longer have to wait for Christmas, or a birthday, or an anniversary for special things. If I want a new crock pot, I go to the store and buy one. If I need new clothes or a new color of chucks. If I need sheets, towels, blankets, a new couch, tires, music, fencing, a laptop, iPod, Ipad, Nook Color, guitar, saxophone, DVD, books, dishes, magazines, bird food, tractors, pizza, drain opener, or anything you could possibly think of, I'm limited only by my credit card limit and the towing capacity of my van.

If you can't find it at the store, it's online. If it's not online, it doesn't exist and you don't need it.

The downside is that nothing is special anymore. If I want a fancy steak dinner, I can just jump in the car and go. It doesn't have to be a special occasion and I don't have to drive more than 10 minutes to any restaurant, and heaven forbid I have to wait more than 10 minutes once I arrive.

The downside is that when there are things in our life that aren't instant, we're not satisfied. For instance. I'm going to finish writing this, post it to my blog, stick a link on Facebook and close the windows. Then, after about 20 minutes, I'm going to check my email to see if FB or the blog sent me a notification that someone left me a comment. Then I'm not going to believe that there are no emails, so I'll check the blog, I can look at the stats page to see how many of my friends popped over to see what brilliance I have spewed forth today, then I'm going to go to my Facebook page to see if anyone liked or commented on my link. Then I'll check my email again after an hour or ten minutes. Just to see if anything has changed. On average, I check all three about twenty times a day. Why? Because I need instant gratification. I need validation that my opinions matter, that I'm funny, smart, deep, not alone, socially relevant, and loved.

It's silly I know, but there are so many of us wired this way. or I should say that we've been rewired by the world to be this way. Why else would we invent Twitter? Why else would we need Facebook? YouTube? MySpace? Blogs?

We have a deeply ingrained need to be validated. We do silly things, embarrassing things, things that we would never in a million years want our grandmothers to know we've done, and yet we not only record them but we post them to the internet where literally everyone on the planet will have an opportunity to view our shame.

We write our deepest thought, our meanest thoughts, and our most sincere prayers in a forum that anyone with internet access can see. I've seen posts on  Facebook with language I wouldn't against a monkey, let alone another human, and then that same person post that they are praying for a sick friend, or having pizza for dinner.

Instant gratification is nice. It tells us within seconds of our doing something that it was fine to do...or it's too late to take it back so oh well.

It tells us that we're important, we can have what we want because we "deserve" to have what we want. Why else would it be available to me a 3 in the morning. Why else would Visa let me use their money to buy the shiny things I don't have yet? Why else would my best friend from second grade LOL at my random thought of the day?

What instant gratification won't tell you is that you have to have patience. At four in the morning when your loved one is crying from the pain. In the middle of the day when you just want to see your family, but you're at work. In the middle of a foreign country when all you want to do is see your home again, but you don't know if you'll even get that chance.

Patience with your friends who don't do exactly what you think they should. Patience with a world that isn't quite ready for revival. Patience for the small minded people that seem to rule the air waves.

I've often heard it said that nothing good comes easy. I can't add to that. It speaks volumes to my soul.

Courage

Sometimes I have very deep thoughts, but mostly I don't.

I think about life and friendship and family and God, and so many other things. I always think that I have some deep insight, but really, all I have are my emotions.

I had a conversation with a friend and she made me realize how shallow I am. I have a dear friend that suffers from all sorts of depression and anxieties and fears. The normal stuff everyone else has, but amplified to a painful degree. I thought about this friend and how much I love her. And I truly do. My heart broke to learn of some of the pain that my friend lives with every day and here I sit. I tell her things that everyone tells their friends; "I love you" "I'm here for you" "Just let me know if you need anything" "You can always come to me" or the worst "I know how you feel"

All are well intentioned, and heart-felt but they have one thing in common. They don't require anything from me. The ownership goes to the friend - you come to me and I'll help you. You make the first move. You tell me what I can do.

Looking back, I say this a lot; 'you just let me know what you want and I'll make it happen.'

But, that's no help at all. Although I truly mean what I say...I want to be there for my friends. I want to be the go-to person when they are in need, I want to be trusted and loved and confided in. I want my friends to know that I love them and would walk through fire for them.

I look at my normal, everyday life and realize that if someone said those things to me (and they have) I would never call on them. Not because I don't want them to be there, but because I wouldn't know what to ask for. I could never say, "I just need a hug" even if I needed that more than anything. I could never say, "can you just come over and sit?" "just tell me that you love me" "just tell me that it's all worth it"

Those are things that we all want at one time or another, but at the risk of sounding needy, vulnerable, weak, out of control, lonely or whatever, we leave them unsaid and wish, hope, pray, that someone would just do them for us. Sometimes, they do, but more often than not, no one does. Not because they don't want to, but because they don't know there's a need. We don’t want people to know we're broken anymore than they want us to know they are, but what's totally wrong about this situation is that we all really want someone to know that we're broken. We want to hide behind our strength and have people see through it at the same time. We don't want to admit anything, but we long for our friends to just somehow know.

I want to be one of the people that sees past. I want to stop saying "You tell me what you need" and instead I want to say "Here, I’m doing this for you"

I don't know if I'm brave enough to do it. It's scary to put myself out there. To become open to your rejection. To allow myself to feel all of those sticky emotions that I've hid from for 40 plus years. To touch you, to hug you, to love you openly and honestly. But, I want to be a friend, not just someone you know.

P.S. This posting was inspired by one very important friend (I hope you know who you are) but I want to apply it to my life - to all of my friends. How much better would life be if instead of wishing we could do the right thing, we just did it without thinking. Maybe we get rejected, or hurt, or embarrassed, but isn't that better than looking back and wondering what would have happened?

Labor Day Weekend - It's over!

Good morning all. I hope your weekend was as nice as mine.

I spent last weekend on my couch, trying desperately to complete a novel in three days. It was an eye-opening experience to say the least!

I learned that an outline is an invaluable tool when trying to form a story around a very vague idea.

I learned that balancing writing and spending time with my family is very hard, even with a deadline.

And I learned that I want to be a writer. I want to quit my job, set up a home office, get up early, stay up late, and do nothing but write.

I had a few bumpy hours, but I knew in my heart that I could do it.

I knew I could do it because I have an incredible network of friends and family that offered support before, during, and after the designated 72 hours.

I am blessed with people all over my life that lift me up, and even knock me down when I need it.

People that tell me I'm great when I'm not feeling so great, and people that tell me I need to check myself, when I'm feeling overly-great.

So, for those of you that have asked, I should hear how my book fared in the contest sometime in mid-to late October (or mid to late Octopus, according to the auto correct on my Android phone.)

And, no, you can't read it yet. I only made it to the half-way point but I plan to complete it soon. If I win the contest, it will be published next fall. If I don't win, it will published as soon as I can find someone to print it. Or, I might self-publish and put it on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

We'll see what happens. Thanks so much for your support!