Seriously?

I need to write this. I've been re-reading some of my posts.
Am I a hot mess or what?
Good Lord what is wrong with me?
All my whining and crying about not having any friends when in reality I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for! I'm sorry if I've offended anyone by saying I don't have friends. I get down and depressed for no apparent reason and I can't see past that minute. Then, I type up a pity-blog and publish it for the world to see, when I should just be writing all that in a private journal.
Maybe that's cause and effect of living in our society today, but more likely it's just the little kid in me wanting attention.
So, here for the world to see - I have friends! Amazing wonderful loving forgiving perfect for me friends that I would truly be lost without.
I have a perfect for me husband that means the world to me.
I have an amazing son that is the light of my life - and a great friend.

Anything I ever say to the contrary is just me being a baby and should be taken with a grain of salt (attached to a glass of margarita)

Alright then.
I'm really sorry, and just ignore the girl behind the clacking keyboard, there's a good chance she's nuts anyway!

Jealous

I'm a little kid. I'm petty and small and so so jealous. It's something I really dislike about myself, but I'm not sure how to change.
Recently, I've started accepting that I have some amazing friends, and that's been great. But I guess I forgot about the insecurities that come with having people in your life that you care about. There are the questions and the fears. The what-ifs and the why nots.
I'm being reminded of High School where your best friend on Monday is your mortal enemy on Wednesday and then your best friend again by Friday. I'm remembering what it feels like to be included as well as how it feels to be left out. I'm also remembering how toxic my own mind is to my well-being.
I don't know about you, but I have an uncanny ability to take the smallest grain of salt, even if that salt doesn't exist, and turn it into the whole Morton's factory. The tiniest little pebble gets into my mind and I work it and worry it and eventually it becomes a boulder of destruction. I think boulder is a fitting picture because I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my own imagination.
So, what happened? Nothing. Not one little thing. No words or arguments. No overheard rumors or slanders. Absolutely nothing happened. But my mind starts working and creating drama that doesn't exist. It tells me that I'm not good enough. That I'm a temporary friend. I'm just here for when someone doesn't have anything better do to or anyone better to do it with. I'm a seat filler. I'm white noise.
I know none of that is true. I know that my identity is secure in Christ and that I'm a wholly accepted child of my creator. That nothing I do or say, or don't do or say, will ever change that. I know all of that. I know that there are lies in my head and in my heart, and as long as I see them as lies, I can overcome them. But there are days. Days when the lies are so tempting. So easy to believe. The lies are there and familiar and disgustingly comforting. Those are the days that I hate. Those are the days I dread. Those are the days when I show my ugly side and other people see it too. Those are the days when I know that people have seen what's inside me and I wonder if they'll stick around. If they've seen the "real" me and are now thinking that it's probably time to move on. Which of course, makes more of those days.
Thankfully, I don't have too many of those days anymore. It's just when they come, they hit me out of nowhere, shove me to the floor, sit on my chest, and pin my arms down. They smother me until I don't have the breath or the will to fight back. They turn me into someone that I do not want to be.

Seeing the Good

I'm blind. Well, not really, I can see with my eyes pretty well (with the help of glasses or contacts) but I'm oblivious to most of what is going on in my life. You've heard the glass half full or half empty personality test? Well, I don’t have a glass. 
 

I hate this personality trait in myself and I'm working on getting rid of it. I am a Negative Nelly. Debbie Downer at her finest. I don't see good stuff in my life when it's right in front of me! OK, that's a bit exaggerated, I know there's good stuff, in fact there is some beyond-awesome stuff in my life right now. But I am so focused on the bad that I overlook the good. 

Here's a perfect example. I was feeling down and left out for a couple of days. I was feeling alone and forgotten. Questioning friendships, questioning life and my role in it, just a really dark few days. When I come home from work every day, my mail is laying on my couch. I rifled through, tossed out the junk, tossed out the bills (oops), noticed a card and read it. I made diner and watched TV and went to bed, still feeling dark and moody. Still feeling alone and forgotten. Unappreciated and unnoticed.

Each morning I start my day by reading a devotional, checking Facebook, email and texts, and then writing out a prayer which is normally about two pages. That particular morning, I got my journal and a pen. I started out with my thanks and then started writing about how down I was, how I didn't fit in and I was uncomfortable. About how no one cared and how come I'm always wrong about people. Basically taking one bad thing that really happened and a few things that didn’t happen but I imagined that they did, and blowing them all into something that just wasn’t even true. So as I'm getting ready to really lay on the whining super thick, I remember the card. "Remember" isn't the right word, I should say I was reminded of the card.

A simple card that had come in the mail from someone that I really like and admire. The card wasn’t long or packed full of wisdom or sage advice. It was just a note that told me in a couple of sentences that they had been thinking of me. That they were glad I was in their life. Me. Debbie  Downer. The girl with no friends and no real place in this world. They had been thinking of me and wanted me to know it. 

To be honest with you, it was a pretty humbling experience on several levels. Someone thought of me as a friend and I had missed the significance of it. Overlooked the perfect timing of the message. Simply overlooked it. Left it lying on the couch with my other junk. But God reminded me in my early morning pity party. He listened to me cry about how I was all alone and said, "Really? What was that card you got yesterday? What about the one you got last week? Or that email you read? What about those texts? You think you're alone? I think you're just blind. Open your eyes. You are surrounded."

I want to see the good in my life. It's easy to point my finger and say that it's someone else's fault that I'm like this. I do believe that it is a learned response and I believe I learned from the best. But, it's time to accept that only I can change my behavior and at this point in my life I'm the only person that can take responsibility for how I act. 

Starting today, I have a glass, and it's not half empty and it's not half full. It's just mine. I can put whatever I want into it.

One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday.

Eeyore  ~A.A. Milne