I'm a little kid. I'm petty and small and so so jealous. It's something I really dislike about myself, but I'm not sure how to change.
Recently, I've started accepting that I have some amazing friends, and that's been great. But I guess I forgot about the insecurities that come with having people in your life that you care about. There are the questions and the fears. The what-ifs and the why nots.
I'm being reminded of High School where your best friend on Monday is your mortal enemy on Wednesday and then your best friend again by Friday. I'm remembering what it feels like to be included as well as how it feels to be left out. I'm also remembering how toxic my own mind is to my well-being.
I don't know about you, but I have an uncanny ability to take the smallest grain of salt, even if that salt doesn't exist, and turn it into the whole Morton's factory. The tiniest little pebble gets into my mind and I work it and worry it and eventually it becomes a boulder of destruction. I think boulder is a fitting picture because I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my own imagination.
So, what happened? Nothing. Not one little thing. No words or arguments. No overheard rumors or slanders. Absolutely nothing happened. But my mind starts working and creating drama that doesn't exist. It tells me that I'm not good enough. That I'm a temporary friend. I'm just here for when someone doesn't have anything better do to or anyone better to do it with. I'm a seat filler. I'm white noise.
I know none of that is true. I know that my identity is secure in Christ and that I'm a wholly accepted child of my creator. That nothing I do or say, or don't do or say, will ever change that. I know all of that. I know that there are lies in my head and in my heart, and as long as I see them as lies, I can overcome them. But there are days. Days when the lies are so tempting. So easy to believe. The lies are there and familiar and disgustingly comforting. Those are the days that I hate. Those are the days I dread. Those are the days when I show my ugly side and other people see it too. Those are the days when I know that people have seen what's inside me and I wonder if they'll stick around. If they've seen the "real" me and are now thinking that it's probably time to move on. Which of course, makes more of those days.
Thankfully, I don't have too many of those days anymore. It's just when they come, they hit me out of nowhere, shove me to the floor, sit on my chest, and pin my arms down. They smother me until I don't have the breath or the will to fight back. They turn me into someone that I do not want to be.
Recently, I've started accepting that I have some amazing friends, and that's been great. But I guess I forgot about the insecurities that come with having people in your life that you care about. There are the questions and the fears. The what-ifs and the why nots.
I'm being reminded of High School where your best friend on Monday is your mortal enemy on Wednesday and then your best friend again by Friday. I'm remembering what it feels like to be included as well as how it feels to be left out. I'm also remembering how toxic my own mind is to my well-being.
I don't know about you, but I have an uncanny ability to take the smallest grain of salt, even if that salt doesn't exist, and turn it into the whole Morton's factory. The tiniest little pebble gets into my mind and I work it and worry it and eventually it becomes a boulder of destruction. I think boulder is a fitting picture because I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my own imagination.
So, what happened? Nothing. Not one little thing. No words or arguments. No overheard rumors or slanders. Absolutely nothing happened. But my mind starts working and creating drama that doesn't exist. It tells me that I'm not good enough. That I'm a temporary friend. I'm just here for when someone doesn't have anything better do to or anyone better to do it with. I'm a seat filler. I'm white noise.
I know none of that is true. I know that my identity is secure in Christ and that I'm a wholly accepted child of my creator. That nothing I do or say, or don't do or say, will ever change that. I know all of that. I know that there are lies in my head and in my heart, and as long as I see them as lies, I can overcome them. But there are days. Days when the lies are so tempting. So easy to believe. The lies are there and familiar and disgustingly comforting. Those are the days that I hate. Those are the days I dread. Those are the days when I show my ugly side and other people see it too. Those are the days when I know that people have seen what's inside me and I wonder if they'll stick around. If they've seen the "real" me and are now thinking that it's probably time to move on. Which of course, makes more of those days.
Thankfully, I don't have too many of those days anymore. It's just when they come, they hit me out of nowhere, shove me to the floor, sit on my chest, and pin my arms down. They smother me until I don't have the breath or the will to fight back. They turn me into someone that I do not want to be.
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