Seriously?

I need to write this. I've been re-reading some of my posts.
Am I a hot mess or what?
Good Lord what is wrong with me?
All my whining and crying about not having any friends when in reality I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for! I'm sorry if I've offended anyone by saying I don't have friends. I get down and depressed for no apparent reason and I can't see past that minute. Then, I type up a pity-blog and publish it for the world to see, when I should just be writing all that in a private journal.
Maybe that's cause and effect of living in our society today, but more likely it's just the little kid in me wanting attention.
So, here for the world to see - I have friends! Amazing wonderful loving forgiving perfect for me friends that I would truly be lost without.
I have a perfect for me husband that means the world to me.
I have an amazing son that is the light of my life - and a great friend.

Anything I ever say to the contrary is just me being a baby and should be taken with a grain of salt (attached to a glass of margarita)

Alright then.
I'm really sorry, and just ignore the girl behind the clacking keyboard, there's a good chance she's nuts anyway!

Jealous

I'm a little kid. I'm petty and small and so so jealous. It's something I really dislike about myself, but I'm not sure how to change.
Recently, I've started accepting that I have some amazing friends, and that's been great. But I guess I forgot about the insecurities that come with having people in your life that you care about. There are the questions and the fears. The what-ifs and the why nots.
I'm being reminded of High School where your best friend on Monday is your mortal enemy on Wednesday and then your best friend again by Friday. I'm remembering what it feels like to be included as well as how it feels to be left out. I'm also remembering how toxic my own mind is to my well-being.
I don't know about you, but I have an uncanny ability to take the smallest grain of salt, even if that salt doesn't exist, and turn it into the whole Morton's factory. The tiniest little pebble gets into my mind and I work it and worry it and eventually it becomes a boulder of destruction. I think boulder is a fitting picture because I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my own imagination.
So, what happened? Nothing. Not one little thing. No words or arguments. No overheard rumors or slanders. Absolutely nothing happened. But my mind starts working and creating drama that doesn't exist. It tells me that I'm not good enough. That I'm a temporary friend. I'm just here for when someone doesn't have anything better do to or anyone better to do it with. I'm a seat filler. I'm white noise.
I know none of that is true. I know that my identity is secure in Christ and that I'm a wholly accepted child of my creator. That nothing I do or say, or don't do or say, will ever change that. I know all of that. I know that there are lies in my head and in my heart, and as long as I see them as lies, I can overcome them. But there are days. Days when the lies are so tempting. So easy to believe. The lies are there and familiar and disgustingly comforting. Those are the days that I hate. Those are the days I dread. Those are the days when I show my ugly side and other people see it too. Those are the days when I know that people have seen what's inside me and I wonder if they'll stick around. If they've seen the "real" me and are now thinking that it's probably time to move on. Which of course, makes more of those days.
Thankfully, I don't have too many of those days anymore. It's just when they come, they hit me out of nowhere, shove me to the floor, sit on my chest, and pin my arms down. They smother me until I don't have the breath or the will to fight back. They turn me into someone that I do not want to be.

Seeing the Good

I'm blind. Well, not really, I can see with my eyes pretty well (with the help of glasses or contacts) but I'm oblivious to most of what is going on in my life. You've heard the glass half full or half empty personality test? Well, I don’t have a glass. 
 

I hate this personality trait in myself and I'm working on getting rid of it. I am a Negative Nelly. Debbie Downer at her finest. I don't see good stuff in my life when it's right in front of me! OK, that's a bit exaggerated, I know there's good stuff, in fact there is some beyond-awesome stuff in my life right now. But I am so focused on the bad that I overlook the good. 

Here's a perfect example. I was feeling down and left out for a couple of days. I was feeling alone and forgotten. Questioning friendships, questioning life and my role in it, just a really dark few days. When I come home from work every day, my mail is laying on my couch. I rifled through, tossed out the junk, tossed out the bills (oops), noticed a card and read it. I made diner and watched TV and went to bed, still feeling dark and moody. Still feeling alone and forgotten. Unappreciated and unnoticed.

Each morning I start my day by reading a devotional, checking Facebook, email and texts, and then writing out a prayer which is normally about two pages. That particular morning, I got my journal and a pen. I started out with my thanks and then started writing about how down I was, how I didn't fit in and I was uncomfortable. About how no one cared and how come I'm always wrong about people. Basically taking one bad thing that really happened and a few things that didn’t happen but I imagined that they did, and blowing them all into something that just wasn’t even true. So as I'm getting ready to really lay on the whining super thick, I remember the card. "Remember" isn't the right word, I should say I was reminded of the card.

A simple card that had come in the mail from someone that I really like and admire. The card wasn’t long or packed full of wisdom or sage advice. It was just a note that told me in a couple of sentences that they had been thinking of me. That they were glad I was in their life. Me. Debbie  Downer. The girl with no friends and no real place in this world. They had been thinking of me and wanted me to know it. 

To be honest with you, it was a pretty humbling experience on several levels. Someone thought of me as a friend and I had missed the significance of it. Overlooked the perfect timing of the message. Simply overlooked it. Left it lying on the couch with my other junk. But God reminded me in my early morning pity party. He listened to me cry about how I was all alone and said, "Really? What was that card you got yesterday? What about the one you got last week? Or that email you read? What about those texts? You think you're alone? I think you're just blind. Open your eyes. You are surrounded."

I want to see the good in my life. It's easy to point my finger and say that it's someone else's fault that I'm like this. I do believe that it is a learned response and I believe I learned from the best. But, it's time to accept that only I can change my behavior and at this point in my life I'm the only person that can take responsibility for how I act. 

Starting today, I have a glass, and it's not half empty and it's not half full. It's just mine. I can put whatever I want into it.

One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday.

Eeyore  ~A.A. Milne

I'll Prop You Up

It’s been a long time friends. Writing is a funny thing. I write, because I love to write. Sometimes I have something to say, other times, not so much. But the goal of becoming a writer is to have other people read what I’ve written. Here’s the funny part. Once I found out that people were actually reading what I was writing, I was afraid to write. What if I come off as pretentious or smug? What if my words are wrong, or are taken out of context? What if my advice is way off the mark? What if…well, there are a million what-ifs? So I’ve decided to ignore all of them and just write. If I’m wrong, I guess I’m just wrong. 

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about lately. 

Exodus 17:8-13 (NIV)

8The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. 9Moses said to Joshua “Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands.”
10So, Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. 11As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword. 

Nice story right? Moses holds up his arms, the Israelites win. I think a lot of people would like to be Moses in this story. The power of God was right there and so obvious. Hands up and all is good, drop your hands and things go south in a hurry. My friends are Moses. I tend to find those people and stick them in my life. They like to be in charge. They like to be the ones in the spotlight. This is good for me. I love being around these people. Why? Because I’m Aaron or maybe Hur. Either way, I’m the arm proper-upper. I like that role, it suits me perfectly.

Take a second look at the story. Moses’ friends (I like to think they were friends) went up the hill with him. They knew this was going to be a shining moment for Moses. He was going to be getting some pretty heavy attention from God and from the soldiers. But Aaron and Hur went. I’d like to know if they were ordered by Joshua since he was the head of the army, or if Moses said, “Hey guys! Wanna stand up on that hill with me tomorrow? It’s going to be a long day and I’d love some company.” Maybe they volunteered. “Dude, you don’t want to stand up there all day by yourself. We’ll go with you so you don’t have to do it alone.”

However it happened, Aaron and Hur trudged up the hill. I’m sure Moses didn’t tell them exactly what was going on, but it would become clear soon enough. They could see the whole battlefield from on top of the hill. This makes me think that it wasn’t a “hill” it was probably halfway up a mountain. But they get up there, look down onto the battlefield and see two nations of men trying desperately to kill each other. Moses lifts up his hands, in one hand he’s holding a staff, I’m sure it gets heavy pretty quickly. Moses arms start to tremble a little, he’s getting shaky, and maybe Aaron forgot to bring the water and they’re all thirsty. Moses’ back starts to ache a little bit, and then it gets worse. The knowledge that he has to stand like this for the rest of the day probably plays on his mind. But look what happens: “When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat.” Nice. Maybe he told them to help out. But I like to think they were standing there, watching the battle, watching their friend and leader grow tired and shaky so they left his side, just for a minute, and found a stone for him to sit on. The stone they found wasn’t a big flat rock that could easily lift and carry over to to where Moses was standing. It was more likely a boulder; something around three feet tall or so, something that Moses could sit on it, but still see the battlefield. My friends, rocks are not any heavier today than they were then. Imagine seeing a boulder that is about waist high, thinking ‘this will work’ then moving it to where your friend is standing.  They bring the rock over and Moses sits. Relieved for the moment, I’m sure now that his sandal-clad feet didn’t have so much pressure on them. I can only imagine that Aaron and Hur remain standing, watching and waiting to help Moses again. Help is needed shortly after Moses sits, “Aaron and Hur held up his hands - one on one side, one on the other – so that his hands remained steady until sunset.” Until sunset. Aaron and Hur, tired from the climb up the mountain, sore and tired from moving that boulder, stand beside Moses, and hold up his arms so that God’s power can flow through them all and the Israelites can win the battle.

I love this little story. Moses and Joshua get most of the credit. God worked directly through Moses’ actions to allow Joshua to win the battle. But what if Moses had gone up alone? He wouldn’t have had the strength to stand there all day with his hands in the air, surely he would have dropped his arms and wept at his human weakness. He would have wept at the sight of his entire nation being slaughtered by the Amalekites. But, God provided two strong, loyal friends to stand beside Moses and help him do what God had commanded him to do. 

I’m like Aaron and Hur, I don’t mind putting my hands in the air when I have to. But I’d so much rather be the one standing next to you, holding your hands up in the air.

Randomimty

Tonight, I feel pretty random. Here are some things I like and some things I don't like.

• I don't like the word "threw" it always looks like it's spelled wrong.
• I don't like the phrase "It is what it is" to me that's like saying "who gives a crap, there's  nothing you or anyone else can do about it."
• I like the word "next" Kevin James did a bit on it, Next is full of possibility, because it's what is next, and you always know when it's going to happen....next!
• I used to like to spell humor and color as if I were British (humour & colour). I like to think I'm a bit less pretentious now, but probably not.
• I like the way my cat's fur feels in her armpits (do cat's have armpits?) anyway, it's very soft.
• I don't like dolls, they are frightening and there is a remote possibility that they come to life and do things. I don't know how remote or exactly what they do, so I just leave them alone.
• I like when people start to say a word, but then either change their mind or combine it with the word they're going to say next. Then you say the new word a few times because it's funny and embarrassing.
• I don't like tiny dogs. It's fine if you do, I don't think less of you, I just don't see the point.
• I do like dogs with big huge fluffy white paws, the kind that would cover your whole face if they were to step on your head. I don't know why the dog would step on your head, but rest assured that your entire face would be covered by dog paw.
• I really like ocelots, peregrine falcons, wolves, and hummingbirds.
• I hate the word "moist"
• I like when I have a bag of peanut M&Ms in a drawer at work, eat them all over the course of a week (an hour) and then forget that I had them, but then two months later when I'm looking for a pen that works, I find a random red M&M under a pile of post it notes and markers. Not that it's ever happened yesterday.
• I like the way the lawn fertilizer isle smells at home improvement stores.
• I don't like when I think I'm being funny and someone I barely know points out that I'm really just gossiping. I don't like it even more that she's right.
• I like that random people call me out when I'm a hypocrite. Sometimes I get caught up in the funny and don't stop to think about what I'm really saying or what I'm saying says about me.
• I like to get personal mail, real mail delivered into my mailbox by a letter carrier. 
• I don't like the phrase letter carrier, but 'mailman' is wrong, 'mailwoman' is awkward and 'postal worker' isn't any better.
• If I have something on my hands, I have to smell it, even if I know it's going to be gross. If I wash my hands and they still smell, I have to keep smelling them to remind me how gross they smell. If I have something dirty or toxic on my hands or fingers, I will eventually stick it in my eye.
• I can't drink anything out of a glass without smelling it first. I also smell books when I pick them up for the first time. I try not to do this if I'm at a bookstore because it looks like I'm licking them and I don't want the clerks to think I'm some crazy person randomly licking their books, that would be weird.
• Experts say that our memory is triggered strongest by our sense of smell. Every time I hear the stopwatch ticking from the beginning of 60 Minutes, I can smell my grandparents house, I also smell it when I hear the theme song to All in the Family.
• Sometimes, it takes me an hour to write an email if I really like the person I'm writing to. I want to make every joke hilarious, every serious thought perfectly conveyed, I want to be sure the person knows exactly how much I like them without ever saying anything about how much I like them. It once took me forty five minutes to respond to a friend that wrote "Hey! Wanna grab lunch?"
• I love the movie GO. I like dark, awkward comedies where you're not sure if the other people in the room are loving the movie as much as you are. Movies that fall into this category for me are: Napoleon Dynamite, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, GO, Drowning Mona, and Four Rooms. I think there are probably more...

Self-indulgent post

I feel like I need to write, but there's nothing in my head so I'll do a progress report on my still fresh resolutions.
Thus far (as of 7a.m.) I've lost 4 pounds. I exercised a bit, cut out some fat and sugar, passed on the Reese's cups one day, made my friend eat half the package the next (sorry April.)
I made plans to go to the gym at lunch time, this should not be an issue, I'm starting next week.
Writing Progress: I've written two and a half chapters of book one, figured out how to work in the Big Twist. Put the wheels in motion for the twist to happen and just need to schedule myself some quiet time so that I can get the words into the document.
The budget is written, and is getting tweaked as I figure out what it looks like in reality. Spreadsheets are fine, but ideal is not always possible.

Early morning God-time is going well, I never can remember why I end up quitting this one. My life is always better when I'm actively seeking, talking to, and listening to God. Bible study starts next week and it's a Beth Moore, so there's an automatic 30 minutes each day. I can't wait for it to start, I can't really explain the feeling, but if you've read my blog (or know me) you know I feel like an outsider most of the time. At bible study, I'm starting to feel like I fit in somewhere. Still not completely, but some things take time.
I just had a situation arise that I thought was going to ruin me. I was crushed and hurt and really, really, really mad. But I got a nice reminder that I'd been praying for some sort of shake-up in my life, and I felt really foolish that I didn't recognize it when it came. I guess it's easy to look at other people's lives and say "Oh silly, that's just God doing His work, how did you not see that?" or something equally lame, but when it happened to me, I didn't see it at all. I just saw that on the surface, it looked really bad for me, but after talking to a friend, my hubby, and my very brilliant son, it all clicked into place. I just needed to step back and see it for what it was - a new opportunity, just like I asked for.
I've got a new outlook, and things are really different already. So the God-time is not something that I'll abandon any time soon!
Asking for help is still the toughest, but I've got a few things going now that I can't do alone. Once again, I'm forced to do what I've asked to be able to do. I'll get better at it as time goes on.ou
So, other than the 3 day novel contest, which is in September, I think I'm doing really well.
How are your resolutions coming? Did you make any?

Confessions

This morning a friend is on my heart and in my prayers. I don't want to go into the details of the story, because it was told to me years ago in confidence. For some reason, I woke up this morning thinking about it. Essentially, my friend made a decision, carried it out, and never told anyone. They carried a horrible secret for years and years. Something known only to them. The action was hard, the decision was perhaps the hardest ever made, but it was done and over and my friend was forever changed. 
What was on my heart this morning is that they went through the entire process alone. No friends, no family, no spouse or clergy were involved. The secret was tucked down inside, where it festered and became unbearable. 
During that conversation so many years ago, I remember the tears. I remember being upset that I had not been told at the time. I would have been there! I would have listened, helped, guided, whatever was needed, I would have done it. I was sick to my stomach that my friend had been so alone, by their own choice, they had never mentioned anything and then it was over, and it was just a secret.
What I also remember as clearly as if it was just yesterday is the immense relief my friend felt after finally being able to share the secret. It was obvious in their posture, their speech, I swear my friend even looked younger after getting it all out. A weight had lifted and a physical change took place.
My point to this is, my friend thought that they were alone, that no one would stand with them though the process. That they could get through it without help from anyone else. They were wrong. They lived with the decision for years and it ate away at their soul.
My friend was unable to share with me at the time, the reasons are a bit muddy. But the friend told me that as hard as the decision was, it was harder not to share it, it was harder to be so alone.

We are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to bear the burdens of this life by ourselves. I would encourage everyone to find a trusted friend, and unburden your hearts! Maybe you don't think there is anyone that you can trust, you can always go to God in prayer. 
I've changed my blog settings to allow for anonymous comments - unburden yourself here! 
I'll listen. 
I'd love to pray for you, even if you don't want to share the details, I'll pray for you. 
Don't carry the weight of a past mistake, or hurt, or decision. This is brand new year, a time when people all over the world are making a new start, trying to change, and move forward. Move forward by leaving the past in the past -