Making Friends as an Adult

I've been thinking about friends a lot lately. Mostly because I'm in a new phase of my life, and I'm adding new friends to my world, which is nice.

When we are very young, making friends can be as simple as walking up and saying 'let's be friends.' But as an adult, we like to complicate the whole process. Many of us have been hurt or let down by one friend or another over the years, and we become reluctant to open ourselves up to new people. With every hurt, we close off just a little bit more. We don't give new people a fair shake because we don't want to get hurt again. Why take a chance right?

But I think God wants us to be open and to make new friends, even if we've been hurt. It seems that everything God tells us to do involves other people. We're to serve, to tell, to spread the word, etc. The Bible could easily be taken as a manual on how to treat other people.

So, that made me start to think about how we, as adults, make new friends. Does it just happen? Do you pursue new people to add to your list? Does God put people in our lives so that we will become friends?

I pursue people.

I meet or see someone and think "I want to be friends" I would never in a million years approach someone and say that, but I'm not sure why not. It would be much easier in the long run.

Once I have a friend picked out, I try to learn about them, situate myself around them and then gently nudge my way into their life. I take the very slow gentle approach lest I find myself vulnerable before I'm ready. Nothing hurts worse than being rejected before you've really had a chance to make up your own mind about the friendship.

During this pursuit, I'm very introspective. I think about who I am and why that person would want to be my friend. Being a naturally negative person, my thoughts tend more towards why they wouldn't want to be my friend. But, there's always hope right?

Something else I've noticed is that it takes a lot of energy to pursue a new friend. In fact, so much energy is spent during the pursuit that other prospective new friends aren't even considered for application. I've never taken the perspective that other people might be pursing me to be their new friend (negativity in action.) I'm generally so caught up in trying to please MY new prospect, that I ignore others that might be scoping me out! I wonder how many people I've alienated, ignored, or simply not paid enough attention to while all the time trying to make that one person notice me. Then, what happens if my prospect rejects me? Not only did I not get the friend I wanted, but I might have also missed out on one or more friends that I passed up.

It made me think of every teen angst movie in the 80s. The main character is twitterpaited with someone that is out of their league. The best friend (opposite sex of course) faithfully sits with the main character, saying all the right things and all the time pining away for their friend. The main character is so wrapped up in the object of their affection that they are blind to the love of the best friend. Think Pretty in Pink.

We spend our lives reaching for something we may never grasp, while at the same time, we're letting what we can easily have, fall through our fingers.

I do have other friends. Friends that just happened because of a situation, work, school, church, whatever. These are people that I just happened to see often, started talking to (or they approached me) and then, without even knowing that it happened, we're friends. I think these are the easiest to make because no one is plotting or scheming. No one really "wants" anything from the other person, you just end up as friends because God put you together so that you'd have each other.

My prayer for myself - and others like me - is that even if we continue to pursue that one special friend (and I think we should) that we would still be open to seeing the other people around us. To be aware when our resume is being considered and not to shut out those pursing us. You may never know what you're missing!

How do you make friends as an adult? How can you pursue a new friend without coming off as needy or creepy?