Nearly every day, I look in the mirror and think "how did I get here?" The answer is as plain as either of my chins. I let myself get here. I don't exercise, I eat mostly whatever I want, and I don't drink enough water. Every day starts with good intentions, a prayer for strength, wisdom and will power. I do well for a few hours, and sometimes I make it through lunch without feeling too bad. But, by the end of the workday - I'm done, I either forget to try or just don't want to anymore. I go to bed and think "well, tomorrow is another day, and I can try again." sometimes I do, but sometimes tomorrow is the weekend and I know I can start Monday.
Monday comes and the cycle starts all over again, only this time, I'm starting with another pound or two. After years of starting over every Monday, I've gotten myself into quite an unhealthy state.
I don't know that anyone ever really loves how they look. Sometimes I think we're happy if we "don't mind" the way we look. But, I received a photo of a weekend outing a few days ago. There I am happily smiling like the happy goof that I am, but I was shocked at my size. Shocked. Like when you find out that your favorite aunt is really your uncle. Or when you find out that your great grandma was really the most famous prostitute in the old west. I was that shocked. I know I'm big. I can't help but know it. But I didn't realize how big. I am literally twice as wide as my friend in that picture. Now, don't get me wrong. I know my size has nothing to do with how my friends see me. I know I am loved and that my friends are happy to just be my friends. But, my size also has nothing to do with my friends. It's very personal to me. It's not who I am, but it's who I look like. My goal, to share it with anyone that takes a minute to read this, is to lose 70 pounds by my birthday - October 31st. That gives me 95 days. I know - you should only lose 2-3 pounds per week at the most - but as long as I'm not starving my self or purging -and the loss is from exercise and good food - then less than 1 pound a day probably won't kill me.
I'm not going to share my current weight lest you all run away screaming, but I'll tell you this, my current BMI is 38.4 - depending on which calculator I use I am either obese or morbidly obese. Either way - it's not good.
Starting right now, right this minute, right this very second, I'm putting foot one on the path. And of course, my friend just this second invited me to lunch. I need strength now!
Sooz--as usual you and I are on the same page--it's always the photos that get us, isn't it? I did the same thing--shocked to see myself in photos--you and I are the same that way--lacking vanity and worrying more about our insides than our outsides--but we must be healthy. If it helps you, I am on the road to lose weight too! (like you I don't exercise, no excuses--it bores me--we are intellectuals--therefore more prone to read than move) but I am on a weight loss plan given to me by my doctor and nutritionist--it's the 1-2 pounds a week type but would be more as I add more exercise--It is all about being healthy--I have started keeping a food journal (been given a goal of 1300-1400 cals a day based on my height and weight) and you and I are definitely in the same height range and maybe weight range (I will say it--I am about 180 right now). I am adding more fiber and skipping sugar as much as possible--watching portions and snacking on good stuff (raises our metabolism) like nuts and yogurt. We can still have things we love, just in moderation--I fight with you girl--you have to live at least as long as I do and Zac and I and Kevin need you to be around for as long as possible. I love you--you are beautiful and you will get even more beautiful--I am here for you if you need me!!<3
ReplyDeleteoh yeah..it's belinda in case you were confused :)
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